It has been an incredible journey the last 8 weeks. A period full of self discovery on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. I am blessed with the experiences that have shown me how to grow and learn and expand in each moment.
My pinched nerve at the end of June got the ball rolling. It was the most debilitating pain I have ever experienced. It was a scarey, awkward, saddening, thankful, and wonder inducing experience. I have such a greater awareness of the needs of my body now. I am committed to trying to make each day a chance to honor and serve my well being. Some days are more challenging than others. It will always be a work in progress. I listen to and feel the needs of my body and make the changes necessary to put my well being first in everything that I do. It is such a different experience for me; to put me first, to take care of me no matter what. Still something that I am getting used to. The universe has this great way of showing me the direction that I heading and that reverting back to old ways can be painful and enlightening!
I am not sure how many of us can actually say that they put their needs first in life. We all should really be doing this because if we don't honor and care for ourselves how could we possibly do it for others. I was asked, "Do you really want to continue working with horses that belong to other people?" The answer was a heavy yes and no. "Do you approach your choices in life out of obligation or for your well being?" was the second piece of information asked. May answer was out of obligation. I answered yes to the first question because I really do enjoy being with horses and each opportunity they provide for me to grow and learn about myself through my work. And no because there are days I hurt, I have challenging horses and/clients, I just don't feel 'right', or I am over scheduled and over worked. It is those days I am working out of obligation and obligation ALWAYS stems from fear and/or control. Fear of not being able to put food on the table, keep a roof over my head, care for our companions and the list goes on. Fear of losing clients, making horses uncomfortable, or ruining a reptutation. All ridiculous fears but there nontheless.
In order for me to enjoy and want to work every day and find complete joy and gratitude in my work I ALWAYS need to take the necessary steps to honor my overall well being.
Awareness brings realization. Realization causes awakening. Awakening brings us to an in-Lightened state. In the Light, you will find your truth... and finally you will know the power is within you. ~Pleiadian reminder
I would love to end there but the story is just beginning. This fear thing....well it keeps creeping up on me. Well, actually if I am being honest it is no longer creeping up but rather giving me a big shove to work with it. Whether it was understanding the fear of not ever being able to work again due to my neck or honoring the fear and finding a solution to working with my horse the messages are getting louder. I can't live in fear. I can't work out of fear and I certainly can't function with fear ruling my life. So, bring it on! Let's get to the root of the fear and allow it's strengths to propel me forward. The strength of fear is in intuition. It helps us take action and make a change. So that is exactly what I am doing. I made a change to my work life to allow me to work for my well being and allowing my intuition to guide me in my moment to moment life.
Jack, my only male horse companion that has been with me for 12 years, has really brought fear to a head for me and forced me to re-examine our current relationship. For the first 8 years, Jack and I went everywhere together, either alone or with another horse and rider. We traveled the trails for countless hours and miles. We attended workshops, clinics, and organized trail rides. We showed off his good looks and charming personality. He is not modest, not even a little. The more you tell him how handsome he is, the more he hams it up. The last 4 years with him have been wrought with change, fear, anxiety, and lack of partnership. I am evolving, as we all are. My needs are changing and partnership that I thought I had with him was not serving any longer. So Jack served up a dose of fear for me to work with. He started with separation anxiety and couldn't let the 3 mares of his herd out of his sight. Then he started to refuse to work with me. He became challenging and scarey for me to handle. Then he refused to go down the trail. Seemingly at random he would buck, rear, and spin, throw his head and squeal. I had lost all confidence to work with him. I have never and still am not afraid of him. I know in my heart Jack would never intentionally hurt me. I was afraid for my own safety. I was afraid I couldn't handle him. Nothing was Jack's fault-EVER. It was me. I no longer wanted a push button horse, I wanted a true partner that was connected with me and was allowed to express himself. That is what I got but didn't know what to do with it once I had it. I also didn't know how special it was that he was willing to be an authentic partner with me and stay present in our time together.
Jack just needed a leader. A confident, present, grounded, soft focused leader. So far, I wasn't any of those. I was afraid of all his raw power and my safety. I wasn't a leader as far as he was concerned. He was just letting me know how he felt. After many attempts to work through the problems, I sat down and cried. I cried a lot. I felt lost. I felt like a failure. I felt like I let him down. I felt like I had no business owning horses if I couldn't get through this with him. I pulled out my life line and phoned a friend. Beth happily came up and gave me some insight into myself and Jack to help us move forward together in this new time for us. Points to remember- 1. Have fun and praise him. 2. He always knows what I am really feeling no matter what I am displaying. 3. He will follow me where ever I will go and wants to. 4. He needs a leader that is confident, present, grounded, soft focused and is willing to follow my intuition. 5. Break it down into "ridiculously simple no fail goals"(thank you Anke!).
Sooooo... yesterday I took my faithful and honest little Diva out for a trail ride. She and I work very well together and she helped me remember what being a leader feels like again. Not just remember in my head but remember in my body the feel of leadership. She put me in touch with that part of me that was wanting to come forward but had held captive. We got back to the barn and I was feeling like I had the power now and was able to work with Jack. I set out with no intention other than to just stay connected with him and how ever far we got was perfect. I saddled him up and threw a halter on him and off we went. I walked him and played with him and AND had fun! It was a day of firsts. We walked all the way down the driveway, across the road down the trail. We had never been that far. I was so excited. It was flawless. He was soft and responsive, willing and happy. Frankly, so was I. I heard this little voice say I could get on him. I thought why not, I only have to get on and then I can get back off. After tying my lead line into a loop on his halter I swung into the saddle. Then the voice said I could walk forward. I figured why not I only had to go a couple of steps and then stop. The next thing you know we were happily walking back to the barn. Relaxed, responsive, and happy- both of us.
I made a change and followed my intuition. It served Jack and I well. It is only a step and I can't take the next step without first taking this one. And this one step is all I ever have to think about. So with each step I will continue to be that leader for Jack and myself. Thank you fear.
