Jack has temporohyoid osteoarthopothy. Basically, it is it is a degenerative disease that is marked by bony proliferation of the stylohyoid bone and it can wreak havoc on the body. In his case it is causing inflammation on the vestibular nerve. It is causing him to have trouble coordinating his hind legs and is circling a lot of the time. We have been treating him for three weeks now and he isn't improving, in fact he is worse. Treatment can take several months for this disease but I was hopeful that we would be treading towards improvement. So we are questioning whether he has another problem. We will be running further testing to see if we can add any more pieces of information to help us move forward with a treatment plan that will help him.
In the meantime, it is heart breaking to watch him struggle with his coordination and get lost in circles. He has gone through so many emotions; anger, frustration, despondency, to depression. I feel like I have gone through them at my own stages as well. I usually can relate to so many things in life and this isn't one of them. I don't know how to help him see through it. I don't know how to help him be ok with what is happening and I can't tell him that he is going to get better. We just don't know.
What I can do is send him so much love and hold space for him to move through this. He has been my rock and my buddy for 16 years. I hold onto that. We have shared so much in this life and there is more in store for us. And I would feel remiss in saying that he was purely here for me. I feel he needed me as much as I needed him. Together we have crossed so many hurdles and grown so much as individuals.
I am not ready for my buddy to be gone. I am also not ok with him living in this uncoordinated place forever. He wants to be able to run with the girls and have his adventuresome life with me back. If treating him doesn't bring him to a place for him to do that, then I will let his adventures begin again on the other side.
I like answers and I like to move forward. This situation is a forced reality check and slow down for me. I have no answers and it is moment to moment. I can't plan for tomorrow because I don't know what that will bring for Jack. I can't worry about treatment being successful or failing, whether I need to buy more hay or prepare to let him go.
I can spend heartfelt time with him. I can enjoy the sun with him. I can love and nurture him like I always have. And to keep from being too serious, we can chuckle at things we find humorous.
Jack isn't defined by his body. He is a full bodied, robust soul. He is charismatic, passionate, devoted, and one of the best partners. He is brave and gentle. He is kind and caring. None of those things are defined by his body and yet it is his body that allows him to express all those things in this life. And I won't let his body define who he is.
I feel I am learning about the things in life I have the hardest time with. Taking it moment by moment. Being impeccable with my word. Not letting anxiety override me. I can best support him by being present, being clear, and staying grounded.
I wondered early on when he was initially showing neurological signs "seriously, again?" How could I possibly be going through something that is emotionally, physically, and mentally taxing like this again so soon? I certainly don't want the drama. And I certainly don't like to see my animals have difficulty with their faculties. My deepest hope is that I will come out stronger, love deeper, and have a deeper connection to my life on Earth. There is a greater story here than I could ever imagine there to be. Patience and presence will see me through.
I trust I can still revel in my life despite the potholes in the path. These are not roadblocks but building blocks in my life. I choose this life, the one with twists and turns. The bend in the road will eventually straighten and each bend I successfully navigate prepares me for the next one. I've got this, all passengers buckle up.
Jack is a warrior and has a fighting spirit. We are in this together and with all the love and support from those near and far. We will navigate this unpredictable road with grace and heart like we have never known.
