I had that moment where I realized I wasn't mad at him but I was mad at myself. This was revolutionary for me. I was actually able to stop blaming him and see that the problem was within myself. I got mad because the very thing he was doing was the same thing I have done. I beat myself up when I do it and it drives me bat shit crazy when someone else does it. Instead of flying off the handle at him this time I was able to step back and look at the real root of the problem located within myself.
This shift in focus let me go deeper and explore myself. I realized how hard I am on myself. I realized that as much as I try I still fall back on old destructive habits. But not today!! Today I am taking steps to stop those destructive habits. They hurt my ability to really contribute authentically to this world and the world really needs me to show up.
What I am also learning ( I have known this for awhile but haven't been ready to really face the music) is that we all have unconscious baggage that we believe. It is what stops us from really becoming the amazing individuals that we are. We aren't always aware of it but it attracts us into certain situations in our life that keep repeating until we 'get it' and change our response to it. For me it was situations that I feel are unjust and make me angry. In the past I have reacted negatively by yelling or becoming physical, then it moved to not outwardly reacting but silently becoming enraged, and now I am able to fully recognize the pattern and choose to see that it is me that I can work on. I can change my response to be a positive one and really change the situation and not feel emotionally charged by it.
Yesterday morning after a particular incident that left me doubting my abilities and harshly judging myself. Shawn said "You are only human". Any other day I would have gotten irritated that he offered such an obvious conclusion but yesterday was different. I was really thankful he said that. It reminded me that I AM HUMAN. I am not perfect. I am going to mess everything up at some point, I am going to make mistakes and IT IS OK. Sheesh, why didn't I believe that it was ok to screw up and be less than perfect. I can actually ask for help now in a way that I am open to hearing. That is a lot of stress I am putting on myself- to be perfect and not screw up. NO one can do that, why did I think I should be different?
I realized that I am gifted in different ways than most people. I am brilliant, I am creative, detail oriented, and incredibly intuitive. What a gift! It is a gift to finally see and believe ( I hear people tell me and I say it but haven't, with every fiber of my being, believed it) in myself. It means I get to be real and honest with people; no more hiding behind a 'perfect person'. I get to have more conversations at work that are more in congruence with my beliefs and offer information that is accessible to more people. I can stop being my own worst critic and really show up to help support the people around me be at their best.
This post only scratches the surface of what I feel I have uncovered for myself. There were many lessons of forgiveness, acceptance, and love woven into my whole experience yesterday.
I am going to say this until I believe every last letter and energy of it- I AM F***** AMAZING
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Some things we can't fix
I am a fixer. I enjoy problem solving and sifting through the endless possibilities of solutions to a problem. I enjoy helping people and animals feel better mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I really enjoy the process. I enjoy researching, reading, taking classes from fine tuning my psychic abilities to equine anatomy and everything in between. The more I learn the more I can share.
As a fixer I feel there is an undercurrent of control. That somehow in fixing a problem I am in control of the situation or myself. There really is nothing in the world that I can control other than me and my reactions to the world around me. Sure I can influence outcomes but I am not controlling them. But my default is still to fix.
What is even more challenging for a fixer is to be presented with a situation that feels like it is falling apart and there is nothing, nothing you can do to fix it. You feel like you are falling apart and the world may collapse around you at any moment.
Can we or do we ever fix anything? Are things going to play out just as they were intended to regardless of our input?
The last few years with Lady have been some of the most challenging and beautiful. Her body is aging and breaking down. I sense that in the all the time we have had our time is drawing to a close. We are at the end stages of our journey together.
A couple days ago I had to trim her. She was a little overdue since I was unable to trim her when she was at the worst stages of dealing with EPM(Equine Protozoa Myeloencephalytis). These protozoa attached to her spinal cord and wreck havoc on her nervous system. The inflammation and surrounding tissue death cause lack of coordination, muscle atrophy, and weakness. It is treatable but it is a long journey to recovery.
Her trim was anything but easy. She has been more difficult to do in recent years due to her advancing arthritis but this EPM has taken a toll on her body. Though we have been treating her she still lacks the proper proprioception to stand balanced on three legs while I trim. On top of this, her hind feet had shifted a bit negatively due to her strange loading pattern and the wet weather. I am crushed. I am afraid to trim her because I don't trust her body to not hurt me. She would never intentionally hurt me but without being able to control her body well, it is dangerous to trim her. I am afraid to trim her because I don't want to hurt her. My best friend and sole mate's body is decaying and I know that our time together is coming to a close. I start sobbing as I finish up her trim. I am so in love with this horse and I have done and will do anything for her and this is something I can't fix.
With life comes death and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I don't want to but I am not ready to lose her just yet and thankfully she isn't ready to go yet. My brain rolls over the myriad of ways I can help support her and keep her comfortable till that inevitable day comes. I run through the thousand questions of why and how.
I have been emotional about this for the last two days and cry at just the thought of her body struggling and her leaving. It feels like I am mourning her loss but she is still here. It is a strange feeling. I wonder why bodies have to experience pain and breakdown. Can't we just age and die in peace, free from pain. I do wonder how I can fix this too but alas it can't be fixed.
I know that when the time comes for her to go that I will have gone through everything I needed to go through so that I can be fully present for her at the time of her transition. There will be no regrets, no coulda, shoulda, woulda's. And I also know that because of having her in my life I will be OK when she is gone. I am ok now but I have no idea how I will do this when she is gone. As my friend said "why give a child a binky when you know you will take away from her one day?" What is the point?
I think the point is that we came together to experience something that is so incredible and divine. There is no love in this world like ours. I would not be who I am today if she were not in my life. I think it is because we have been together I am stronger, braver, wiser, clearer than I have ever been. She has lived a life that horses dream of. She is a child's first horse, first love, first trail ride, first show, shoulder to cry on during heartbreak and joyful beginnings. She will mostly likely be the first horse to transition and she will be the source of strength to help me keep moving forward without her by my side in physical-ness.
The real beauty in this, is that she is never really gone. She will always be with me in spirit and by my side. I can always call on her no matter where we are in time.
In the meantime I am going to continue to wipe up my tears and blow my snotty nose and know that I can't fix this. This time I have to trust in the Grand Plan and that all is well in the world exactly the way it is and will continue to unfold.
I was going to finish with the last paragraph but I had a conversation with Lady that was very insightful and felt I should share this information too. As she is as much a part of this as I am.
"Lady, can you tell me about what you are experiencing? Can you help me understand this because I am really having a hard time?"
"This is supposed to happen. I am closer to the end than the beginning. I hurt but I don't suffer. I still need you to support me. The body is supposed to breakdown and die. It is during this process that I go inward and prepare for the transition and life after Earth. We here to experience all that life has to offer. In the youthful body it is all about going, doing, taking it all in. In my older body, it is about reflection, preparation, tuning in with my spirit for the transition."
It was such a relief to talk with her. She is a wise soul and always knows how to calm me. She is not going to die anytime soon and I will enjoy everything single moment that I share with her.
As a fixer I feel there is an undercurrent of control. That somehow in fixing a problem I am in control of the situation or myself. There really is nothing in the world that I can control other than me and my reactions to the world around me. Sure I can influence outcomes but I am not controlling them. But my default is still to fix.
What is even more challenging for a fixer is to be presented with a situation that feels like it is falling apart and there is nothing, nothing you can do to fix it. You feel like you are falling apart and the world may collapse around you at any moment.
Can we or do we ever fix anything? Are things going to play out just as they were intended to regardless of our input?
The last few years with Lady have been some of the most challenging and beautiful. Her body is aging and breaking down. I sense that in the all the time we have had our time is drawing to a close. We are at the end stages of our journey together.
A couple days ago I had to trim her. She was a little overdue since I was unable to trim her when she was at the worst stages of dealing with EPM(Equine Protozoa Myeloencephalytis). These protozoa attached to her spinal cord and wreck havoc on her nervous system. The inflammation and surrounding tissue death cause lack of coordination, muscle atrophy, and weakness. It is treatable but it is a long journey to recovery.
Her trim was anything but easy. She has been more difficult to do in recent years due to her advancing arthritis but this EPM has taken a toll on her body. Though we have been treating her she still lacks the proper proprioception to stand balanced on three legs while I trim. On top of this, her hind feet had shifted a bit negatively due to her strange loading pattern and the wet weather. I am crushed. I am afraid to trim her because I don't trust her body to not hurt me. She would never intentionally hurt me but without being able to control her body well, it is dangerous to trim her. I am afraid to trim her because I don't want to hurt her. My best friend and sole mate's body is decaying and I know that our time together is coming to a close. I start sobbing as I finish up her trim. I am so in love with this horse and I have done and will do anything for her and this is something I can't fix.
With life comes death and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I don't want to but I am not ready to lose her just yet and thankfully she isn't ready to go yet. My brain rolls over the myriad of ways I can help support her and keep her comfortable till that inevitable day comes. I run through the thousand questions of why and how.
I have been emotional about this for the last two days and cry at just the thought of her body struggling and her leaving. It feels like I am mourning her loss but she is still here. It is a strange feeling. I wonder why bodies have to experience pain and breakdown. Can't we just age and die in peace, free from pain. I do wonder how I can fix this too but alas it can't be fixed.
I know that when the time comes for her to go that I will have gone through everything I needed to go through so that I can be fully present for her at the time of her transition. There will be no regrets, no coulda, shoulda, woulda's. And I also know that because of having her in my life I will be OK when she is gone. I am ok now but I have no idea how I will do this when she is gone. As my friend said "why give a child a binky when you know you will take away from her one day?" What is the point?
I think the point is that we came together to experience something that is so incredible and divine. There is no love in this world like ours. I would not be who I am today if she were not in my life. I think it is because we have been together I am stronger, braver, wiser, clearer than I have ever been. She has lived a life that horses dream of. She is a child's first horse, first love, first trail ride, first show, shoulder to cry on during heartbreak and joyful beginnings. She will mostly likely be the first horse to transition and she will be the source of strength to help me keep moving forward without her by my side in physical-ness.
The real beauty in this, is that she is never really gone. She will always be with me in spirit and by my side. I can always call on her no matter where we are in time.
In the meantime I am going to continue to wipe up my tears and blow my snotty nose and know that I can't fix this. This time I have to trust in the Grand Plan and that all is well in the world exactly the way it is and will continue to unfold.
I was going to finish with the last paragraph but I had a conversation with Lady that was very insightful and felt I should share this information too. As she is as much a part of this as I am.
"Lady, can you tell me about what you are experiencing? Can you help me understand this because I am really having a hard time?"
"This is supposed to happen. I am closer to the end than the beginning. I hurt but I don't suffer. I still need you to support me. The body is supposed to breakdown and die. It is during this process that I go inward and prepare for the transition and life after Earth. We here to experience all that life has to offer. In the youthful body it is all about going, doing, taking it all in. In my older body, it is about reflection, preparation, tuning in with my spirit for the transition."
It was such a relief to talk with her. She is a wise soul and always knows how to calm me. She is not going to die anytime soon and I will enjoy everything single moment that I share with her.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Being me
I know one thing in life and that is that change is inevitable. I haven't always enjoyed change and preferred things to stay consistent, there is a sort of feeling of control in consistency. The more I tried to keep from changing, the more I realized that is impossible. And that there really is no control. I can't control anything other than how I feel and the decisions I make. I can't control others actions or feelings. I can impact them with my choices but I can't control them.
One thing I can do is live as authentically as possible and share my truth with others. Sounds easy, right? Well, as I am finding out it can be one of the most challenging and rewarding things ever. For me to live authentically means that I am not part of the status quo, that I have a neutral understanding of many situations, that I may not be part of the 'in crowd', that I may feel a certain separateness from people and still feel more connected than ever. It means that I have a commitment to being me no matter how much it can feel uncomfortable because being me is way better than anything else. Being me means that I get to share my story in my own unique way. Being me means that I can feel much of what is going on around me and currently not always knowing how to handle it.
I am on a journey of self discovery to become even more congruent in my life. When I am congruent I get to share more of my own authenticity and truth with others. That makes me a valuable part of this world. I don't always know how I am going to be of value to people to help them on their own journey. I do know that the more I follow my own light and truth the more I am able to be authentic and just doing that is how I will be able to help people.
That is why I am doing the Desire Map and the Fire Starter Sessions. I want to get in touch with my core desires and live my life in a way that feels good. It isn't about the goals I set but about how they feel and how the journey feels getting there.
A few nights ago I was trying to plan out the evening. Shawn was just getting home from a rescue call and I was just finishing up evening chores. It was -18 degrees and even colder wind chills. Our plans to keep dinner simple to just get pizza was not going well. Everything was closed due to the extreme cold. We finally figure we will just have to thaw something and it will be a late dinner. As that was decided Shawn was paged out yet again for a rescue call. I was on my own for dinner.
Instead of getting to making dinner, I found myself scattered around the house. I was snuggling with Nora, changing into comfy clothes, chopping some veggies for dinner, turning on the TV to watch The Bachelor, scratching on the dogs, chopping more veggies. I couldn't follow a single thing to completion and was all over the place. I actually find myself in this place more often than I realize. I also find that I like that sense of control and order too. But want is even more interesting is that both of these are different sides of the same coin.
For the first time, I realized that I actually feel free when I can bounce around and be scattered. The need to set structure and order can cause me to get anxious and overwhelmed. There are certainly times that I am structured and orderly as when I am working. I spend most of my day in a way that is organized and structured, from the way I scheduled my day to the trimming of each hoof. So when I get home the last thing I want is to have things structured. I really relish the ability to roll with the flow and bounce around as I feel like.
I want people to see me like I am organized, got it together, awesome, inspirational, etc. What I realized is that those are all external to me and it doesn't need to matter to me what other people think of me. I personally want to feel something different. And I don't have to compare myself to others. I need to be just exactly as I am because that is perfect and the world needs me to be just who I am to shine my own light. So being aware of these two opposing states and yet the same has granted me new clarity in my life. This clarity will allow me to find the path in either direction to feel connected, creative, nourished and inspired. I don't feel the need to have to make a path to great order or to carefree living. Instead I can do both as they each serve me. I can be free to chose which ever makes me feel good.
"In seeking our freedom, we liberate our potential to accomplish incredible things." Danielle LaPorte.
One thing I can do is live as authentically as possible and share my truth with others. Sounds easy, right? Well, as I am finding out it can be one of the most challenging and rewarding things ever. For me to live authentically means that I am not part of the status quo, that I have a neutral understanding of many situations, that I may not be part of the 'in crowd', that I may feel a certain separateness from people and still feel more connected than ever. It means that I have a commitment to being me no matter how much it can feel uncomfortable because being me is way better than anything else. Being me means that I get to share my story in my own unique way. Being me means that I can feel much of what is going on around me and currently not always knowing how to handle it.
I am on a journey of self discovery to become even more congruent in my life. When I am congruent I get to share more of my own authenticity and truth with others. That makes me a valuable part of this world. I don't always know how I am going to be of value to people to help them on their own journey. I do know that the more I follow my own light and truth the more I am able to be authentic and just doing that is how I will be able to help people.
That is why I am doing the Desire Map and the Fire Starter Sessions. I want to get in touch with my core desires and live my life in a way that feels good. It isn't about the goals I set but about how they feel and how the journey feels getting there.
A few nights ago I was trying to plan out the evening. Shawn was just getting home from a rescue call and I was just finishing up evening chores. It was -18 degrees and even colder wind chills. Our plans to keep dinner simple to just get pizza was not going well. Everything was closed due to the extreme cold. We finally figure we will just have to thaw something and it will be a late dinner. As that was decided Shawn was paged out yet again for a rescue call. I was on my own for dinner.
Instead of getting to making dinner, I found myself scattered around the house. I was snuggling with Nora, changing into comfy clothes, chopping some veggies for dinner, turning on the TV to watch The Bachelor, scratching on the dogs, chopping more veggies. I couldn't follow a single thing to completion and was all over the place. I actually find myself in this place more often than I realize. I also find that I like that sense of control and order too. But want is even more interesting is that both of these are different sides of the same coin.
For the first time, I realized that I actually feel free when I can bounce around and be scattered. The need to set structure and order can cause me to get anxious and overwhelmed. There are certainly times that I am structured and orderly as when I am working. I spend most of my day in a way that is organized and structured, from the way I scheduled my day to the trimming of each hoof. So when I get home the last thing I want is to have things structured. I really relish the ability to roll with the flow and bounce around as I feel like.
I want people to see me like I am organized, got it together, awesome, inspirational, etc. What I realized is that those are all external to me and it doesn't need to matter to me what other people think of me. I personally want to feel something different. And I don't have to compare myself to others. I need to be just exactly as I am because that is perfect and the world needs me to be just who I am to shine my own light. So being aware of these two opposing states and yet the same has granted me new clarity in my life. This clarity will allow me to find the path in either direction to feel connected, creative, nourished and inspired. I don't feel the need to have to make a path to great order or to carefree living. Instead I can do both as they each serve me. I can be free to chose which ever makes me feel good.
"In seeking our freedom, we liberate our potential to accomplish incredible things." Danielle LaPorte.
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