I had that moment where I realized I wasn't mad at him but I was mad at myself. This was revolutionary for me. I was actually able to stop blaming him and see that the problem was within myself. I got mad because the very thing he was doing was the same thing I have done. I beat myself up when I do it and it drives me bat shit crazy when someone else does it. Instead of flying off the handle at him this time I was able to step back and look at the real root of the problem located within myself.
This shift in focus let me go deeper and explore myself. I realized how hard I am on myself. I realized that as much as I try I still fall back on old destructive habits. But not today!! Today I am taking steps to stop those destructive habits. They hurt my ability to really contribute authentically to this world and the world really needs me to show up.
What I am also learning ( I have known this for awhile but haven't been ready to really face the music) is that we all have unconscious baggage that we believe. It is what stops us from really becoming the amazing individuals that we are. We aren't always aware of it but it attracts us into certain situations in our life that keep repeating until we 'get it' and change our response to it. For me it was situations that I feel are unjust and make me angry. In the past I have reacted negatively by yelling or becoming physical, then it moved to not outwardly reacting but silently becoming enraged, and now I am able to fully recognize the pattern and choose to see that it is me that I can work on. I can change my response to be a positive one and really change the situation and not feel emotionally charged by it.
Yesterday morning after a particular incident that left me doubting my abilities and harshly judging myself. Shawn said "You are only human". Any other day I would have gotten irritated that he offered such an obvious conclusion but yesterday was different. I was really thankful he said that. It reminded me that I AM HUMAN. I am not perfect. I am going to mess everything up at some point, I am going to make mistakes and IT IS OK. Sheesh, why didn't I believe that it was ok to screw up and be less than perfect. I can actually ask for help now in a way that I am open to hearing. That is a lot of stress I am putting on myself- to be perfect and not screw up. NO one can do that, why did I think I should be different?
I realized that I am gifted in different ways than most people. I am brilliant, I am creative, detail oriented, and incredibly intuitive. What a gift! It is a gift to finally see and believe ( I hear people tell me and I say it but haven't, with every fiber of my being, believed it) in myself. It means I get to be real and honest with people; no more hiding behind a 'perfect person'. I get to have more conversations at work that are more in congruence with my beliefs and offer information that is accessible to more people. I can stop being my own worst critic and really show up to help support the people around me be at their best.
This post only scratches the surface of what I feel I have uncovered for myself. There were many lessons of forgiveness, acceptance, and love woven into my whole experience yesterday.
I am going to say this until I believe every last letter and energy of it- I AM F***** AMAZING
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