Persevering the bend in the road

It has been a year of so much change for me and the horses. We welcomed home Luna in February. We said goodbye to Lady in March and now we are facing some very serious neurological problems with Jack.

Jack has temporohyoid osteoarthopothy. Basically, it is it is a degenerative disease that is marked by bony proliferation of the stylohyoid bone and it can wreak havoc on the body. In his case it is causing inflammation on the vestibular nerve. It is causing him to have trouble coordinating his hind legs and is circling a lot of the time. We have been treating him for three weeks now and he isn't improving, in fact he is worse. Treatment can take several months for this disease but I was hopeful that we would be treading towards improvement. So we are questioning whether he has another problem. We will be running further testing to see if we can add any more pieces of information to help us move forward with a treatment plan that will help him.

In the meantime, it is heart breaking to watch him struggle with his coordination and get lost in circles. He has gone through so many emotions; anger, frustration, despondency, to depression. I feel like I have gone through them at my own stages as well. I usually can relate to so many things in life and this isn't one of them. I don't know how to help him see through it. I don't know how to help him be ok with what is happening and I can't tell him that he is going to get better. We just don't know.

What I can do is send him so much love and hold space for him to move through this. He has been my rock and my buddy for 16 years. I hold onto that. We have shared so much in this life and there is more in store for us.  And I would feel remiss in saying that he was purely here for me. I feel he needed me as much as I needed him. Together we have crossed so many hurdles and grown so much as individuals.

I am not ready for my buddy to be gone. I am also not ok with him living in this uncoordinated place forever. He wants to be able to run with the girls and have his adventuresome life with me back. If treating him doesn't bring him to a place for him to do that, then I will let his adventures begin again on the other side.

I like answers and I like to move forward. This situation is a forced reality check and slow down for me. I have no answers and it is moment to moment. I can't plan for tomorrow because I don't know what that will bring for Jack. I can't worry about treatment being successful or failing, whether I need to buy more hay or prepare to let him go.

I can spend heartfelt time with him. I can enjoy the sun with him. I can love and nurture him like I always have. And to keep from being too serious, we can chuckle at things we find humorous.

Jack isn't defined by his body. He is a full bodied, robust soul. He is charismatic, passionate, devoted, and one of the best partners. He is brave and gentle. He is kind and caring. None of those things are defined by his body and yet it is his body that allows him to express all those things in this life. And I won't let his body define who he is.

I feel I am learning about the things in life I have the hardest time with. Taking it moment by moment. Being impeccable with my word. Not letting anxiety override me. I can best support him by being present, being clear, and staying grounded.

I wondered early on when he was initially showing neurological signs "seriously, again?" How could I possibly be going through something that is emotionally, physically, and mentally taxing like this again so soon? I certainly don't want the drama. And I certainly don't like to see my animals have difficulty with their faculties. My deepest hope is that I will come out stronger, love deeper, and have a deeper connection to my life on Earth. There is a greater story here than I could ever imagine there to be. Patience and presence will see me through.

I trust I can still revel in my life despite the potholes in the path. These are not roadblocks but building blocks in my life. I choose this life, the one with twists and turns. The bend in the road will eventually straighten and each bend I successfully navigate prepares me for the next one. I've got this, all passengers buckle up.

Jack is a warrior and has a fighting spirit. We are in this together and with all the love and support from those near and far. We will navigate this unpredictable road with grace and heart like we have never known.

 

My Love(s)

A little more than 6 months has passed since Lady left. I think about her every day. Some days I forget. I feel a little sad I forgot to think about her but then, somehow, it is ok. I usually think of her when that song comes on the radio. I pause. This is when I look out the truck window, stop singing so Shawn doesn't see the tears fill my eyes or hear my voice crack.

There are small glimmers of her still here. They always make me pause. Just the other night I was calling all the horses by name to come up for dinner. Lady, Jack, Zoe, Diva, Luna!  Oops, I laughed with Shawn a moment and said that Lady can come for dinner anytime. I swear I saw her gallop up the hill with the herd.

Then there are times I pull into the barn and start to fret because I am missing a horse and can't see Lady. Just like that I am pulled back and reminded I won't see her out here like I used to. So I just imagine her standing there because otherwise the piece that is missing in my heart just wants to swallow me up.

Other times I am just reminiscing about the adventures we had, the laughter we share, the things we learned. Shawn just listens, he has no idea what to say. Guys can be like that. But that is ok, I don't think there is anything I need him to say. I just want to share my story with Lady with someone who cares and knows how much we were apart of each other's lives.

I have a necklace made with love from her tail hair and a few charms that are important to me. Most days I love just having a beautiful piece of jewelry that has meaning but other days I don't feel I can face the day without a piece of her.

Times like tonight I just miss her. I am flooded with all the joyful memories and the emptiness of her not being here. The only thing that seems to help is to let the tears flow and share.

Coming up to my birthday (and quite often) I saw the numbers 914 everywhere. It was a painful reminder of her. She is gone and why on earth would this number have to be a daily reminder of that. I would love to see her again, smell her sweet horse smell, bury my face in her mane, take a walk with her, or just sit with her. I had her cremated and she weighted 914 pounds. My birthday is 9/14. I keep looking at the clock it seems like is always 9:14. It is a constant reminder to stay present and know that I am loved and supported. On my birthday I heard the sandhill cranes, much like I did the day she died. It was a bittersweet day for me. The first birthday since I was 13 to go by without her. I always would take a little treat to the barn and celebrate with her. I didn't know how to do that this year.

Before she left I was convinced I would grieve for a long time. I didn't know how I would move on without her. Eighteen years is a long time, especially throughout my teenage and early adult years. Her leaving was a pivotal moment for me. I was so relieved. I didn't want to worry about her anymore and I was so glad that was over. I miss her like crazy but in no way do I want to have that worry back.  No one really talks about this aspect of loosing a loved one. I felt this deep loss and a hole that can't be filled with her again in any tangible way. And at the same time, I am so ready for the next chapter.

The next chapter had a prologue. I still don't know how it was all orchestrated but a wily pony is definitely at the heart of it.

Back in August of 2013 Stella came into my life. She was a vibrant, joyful little girl. She was smart and sassy and drove everyone a little bananas. She bonded very much with Lady. She was almost always glued to her hip. I knew that she was important to our herd and Lady needed her for when she passed. I never dreamed that Stella would die 8 months later at 3 years old. All the horses (and I) were a little shaken after she died. It was sudden and none of us were prepared. I cried so hard and what seemed like forever. Every day I cried with Lady.  Eventually, it got easier as life kept moving on.

Then in February 2016 I see a photo add for a pony at an auction house for horses at risk of going to slaughter. It was the most adorable pony and immediately I thought of Stella. The photo didn't look like her but there was this draw of Stella. Of course I contacted, my trusty source, and we talked through the possibilities of this pony being Stella. Either way I had to make a decision to save this pony's life or not quickly. I fretted for about 2 days. But this amazing community of horse people stepped up and offered to help me get her home. So on Valentine's Day I met my new pony in New Jersey to bring her home. I knew my sneaky little Stella had her waved her magic wand and pulled this together.

During all this I knew that my time with Lady was growing short. I knew she wouldn't be here much longer and again, this pony was going to be a part of this. Lady and Luna never really got to know each other but they did meet. It was about the time that we were getting ready to integrate Luna into the herd that we decided that it was time to say goodbye to Lady.

Three years later, Stella certainly helped with Lady's passing but I had no idea she was going to do it by waiting on the other side for her and giving me the gift of sharing life with Luna. Stella was always crafty like that, doing the unexpected but somehow it was always just what was needed.

Today I miss Lady as if she just left. The hole in my heart stills feels raw but healed in other ways. These polar opposites you feel when you loose someone is hard to describe. Relieved, thankful, peaceful, sad, grief, anger, whole, broken. I cry with the herd and remember her with them. I think we need that from time to time: to remember her. Her light, her love, her devotion.

And there is Luna, who looks at me (through to my soul) just like Lady did. She reminds me that we all have a story and there is always love there to hold us up.

I will see you on the other side

She had taken another downhill turn. When your body has as much tension and arthritis as her does sometimes things get a bit ugly. I loved her and supported her the best I knew how. It was clear she was really struggling to keep her legs all coordinated and moving in one direction.

I can't even begin to summarize 18 years together. She shaped my life and I hers. We shared so much joy, enlightenment, adventure, and the deepest of unconditional loves I have ever known. I am forever a different person because she was in my life. She saw me through the awkward parts of growing up, self exploration, growth, young adult woes, love and loss, and forging my life with a husband and all that comes with having a family (fur family that is).

We have shared a most amazing journey together. We found the quiet moments to just lay back and enjoy the sunshine. We rode through the rain. We soared over obstacles that I challenged her with. We splashed in the streams. We shared our love with our friends and family. We showed and kicked back on the trails. We raced and she was a little power house and would beat anyone off the line. We inhaled so much dirt from the hours and hours of grooming we logged.

One time in particular was an all day event as she had rolled in so much mud that you could no longer see the beautiful colors of her coat. It was too cold to give her a bath and so we took it piece by piece with lots of breaks to get caked mud off. I have never seen her so covered. I smile at the memory of this day.

I smile and am comforted by all the memories we made. No one gives you a handbook at the beginning to tell you how the next chapter would look. It isn't the end of the book just a new chapter. The story continues but it has taken a climatic turn.

It was beautiful and heartbreaking to know it is time. I feel like I have grieved a thousand times before, thinking this day was coming sooner than it was to be.  I think it is part of what has made it easier for us. It is surreal. She is no longer in her body but I can feel her still just the same. At moments it feels like it never happened and I will round the bend at the farm and see her perk her ears and look my way.

She was incredible and there aren't words to fully describe the being she was. Selfless. Loving. Brave. Warrior. Survivor. Kind. Soulful. Deep. Old soul. Trusting. My best friend.

So many emotions come up when your soul mate is loosing the battle with gravity and the toll it takes on a body. Death is part of life. I know she isn't here in the physical sense but I know she is still here and that brings me so much peace.

The grieving process is unique unto itself. Sadness, denial, anger, pain, relief, acceptance, and love. It is all of these all at once and by themselves. It is very healing time and a place of total surrender.

I don't know what life looks like without her yet. It is one step at a time. She is survived by her herd members. Together we are experiencing such a deep loss and comforted at Lady's continued presence. We are finding new ways of moving through our day, together. I have never been so thankful and moved to tears at seeing my horses after her transition.

I talk to her every day and it is only day 2 since her transition. I will talk to her every day. And it isn't even talking, it is just a connection with her. That was something special too. We understand each other on a level that is indescribable. She brings me so much support and peace with her unconditional love.