I will see you on the other side

She had taken another downhill turn. When your body has as much tension and arthritis as her does sometimes things get a bit ugly. I loved her and supported her the best I knew how. It was clear she was really struggling to keep her legs all coordinated and moving in one direction.

I can't even begin to summarize 18 years together. She shaped my life and I hers. We shared so much joy, enlightenment, adventure, and the deepest of unconditional loves I have ever known. I am forever a different person because she was in my life. She saw me through the awkward parts of growing up, self exploration, growth, young adult woes, love and loss, and forging my life with a husband and all that comes with having a family (fur family that is).

We have shared a most amazing journey together. We found the quiet moments to just lay back and enjoy the sunshine. We rode through the rain. We soared over obstacles that I challenged her with. We splashed in the streams. We shared our love with our friends and family. We showed and kicked back on the trails. We raced and she was a little power house and would beat anyone off the line. We inhaled so much dirt from the hours and hours of grooming we logged.

One time in particular was an all day event as she had rolled in so much mud that you could no longer see the beautiful colors of her coat. It was too cold to give her a bath and so we took it piece by piece with lots of breaks to get caked mud off. I have never seen her so covered. I smile at the memory of this day.

I smile and am comforted by all the memories we made. No one gives you a handbook at the beginning to tell you how the next chapter would look. It isn't the end of the book just a new chapter. The story continues but it has taken a climatic turn.

It was beautiful and heartbreaking to know it is time. I feel like I have grieved a thousand times before, thinking this day was coming sooner than it was to be.  I think it is part of what has made it easier for us. It is surreal. She is no longer in her body but I can feel her still just the same. At moments it feels like it never happened and I will round the bend at the farm and see her perk her ears and look my way.

She was incredible and there aren't words to fully describe the being she was. Selfless. Loving. Brave. Warrior. Survivor. Kind. Soulful. Deep. Old soul. Trusting. My best friend.

So many emotions come up when your soul mate is loosing the battle with gravity and the toll it takes on a body. Death is part of life. I know she isn't here in the physical sense but I know she is still here and that brings me so much peace.

The grieving process is unique unto itself. Sadness, denial, anger, pain, relief, acceptance, and love. It is all of these all at once and by themselves. It is very healing time and a place of total surrender.

I don't know what life looks like without her yet. It is one step at a time. She is survived by her herd members. Together we are experiencing such a deep loss and comforted at Lady's continued presence. We are finding new ways of moving through our day, together. I have never been so thankful and moved to tears at seeing my horses after her transition.

I talk to her every day and it is only day 2 since her transition. I will talk to her every day. And it isn't even talking, it is just a connection with her. That was something special too. We understand each other on a level that is indescribable. She brings me so much support and peace with her unconditional love.