2012 moments

It has been a sensational year!

I am just going to take a few moments to recall the amazing things that I did and accomplished this year and I want to share it all with you. Sometimes remembering the greatness we achieved helps us remember how far we have come and how great we are.

From the beginning the best I can remember. And if any of you are reading this and realize that I have left something or someone out, remind me.

~ I made it in one piece to 2012

~Shawn and I begin our first calender year in our own home
   We are making if more our home all the time, making little changes, that shift our home energetically to a more supportive place to live

~I stopped trimming horses for my dear friend
   She and I realized that the struggles with trimming her horses was a lesson in and of itself. The decision to let her trim her own horses has immeasurably benefited her relationship with them. I now only help her tweek her trims.

~I helped inspire a writer on her first book
   I chance meeting lead to a wonderful friendship that blossomed into a working relationship that allowed me to be an integral part of her writing process.

~I enjoyed a successful Midwest Horse Fair and met many new people and their horses
   So many of the people that I met here have become cherished clients. I am happy to serve them and their horses.

~I began an inspiring journey to more fully discover myself
   I felt there was more to my life than just the daily grind. I am on a journey of self-discovery that lets every day be a day of opportunity and growth

~I started a regular practice of meditation
   Quieting my mind has never been easy. This year I have made leaps and bounds of improvement and I look forward to my meditations. They bring so much peace and clarity.

~I took a Tai Chi Sword Form class
   This class allowed me to feel what it is like for my energy to affect an object. It allowed me to feel what it was like to be 'one' with an object. It helped me to see how I can use my energy in productive ways.

~I wrote a blog on almost a monthly basis to share and inspire
   It started as pledge to connect with my horses daily. It has snowballed and become a great outlet me for. It allows me to share with you, whoever you are, my journey. My hope is that you will at the least enjoy reading about my journey. I hope that you may feel inspired, understood, and part of a great communitythat supports each and every one of us.

~I became seriously injured
  I woke up one morning in June unable to turn my head. I had a slipped disk and a pinched nerve due to years of chronic overuse. This has been my greatest wake-up call. The feelings of depression, despair, failure, fear, anger, hopelessness have all gone through me as I began the process of healing. This injury helped to me really honor how my body feels.

~I discovered the amazing depth of compassion and support of all my clients after my injury
   I am truely blessed with all the amazing people in my life. They were my greatest support group during the initial stages of my healing. They were there for me and only wanted to see me recover and be my best self. I wouldn't have made it through the way I did if it weren't for them. I love each and every one of my clients. Thank you!

~I started to learn better ways of caring for my body
  My injury has led me to investigating different ways of helping myself heal and listen to my phyiscal needs.

~I learned how to do Shamanic Journeys
  I met a wonderful woman that wrote a how-to Shamanic Journey book. She inspired me to learn more. Journeying has brought me so much peace and answers to the many questions I may have. It has been a priceless tool for me to use. The guides that I have met have blessed me with their loving support.


~I began to let myself be seen
  I always try to be 'in control' of myself. I am learning to let go and let be. It has and is still a process. Letting people see the real me is unnerving and feels big. Little by little I peel the layers away and expose a little more of myself.


~I began to listen to the crystals more and allow them to support me
   I have always loved rocks. I collected them as a child. I had a rock tumbler that kerplunked for weeks on end in the garage to reveal a little gem. I have a rock from my grandmother's home that I felt was a phone and I could contact her anytime through it. This year I have done so much more with the crystals and realized the depth of their willingness to support humans on their Earthly journey. I have enjoyed setting up crystal grids to help loved ones in times of need.

~I started to honor my body and respect it's needs for care and support
  This allowed me to really feel and listen to my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. I can't work on solely one plane, they all need to be supported to feel whole-ly at peace and in tune.

~I take on the care of a gravely ill kitten named Purdy
   When I took her on, I didn't know she would only be with me for 3 days and that I would grow so fond of her. It was the ultimate of loving unconditionally and allowing her the space to decide whether to stay or go. She was beautiful and an inspiration. She is loved.

~I am sharing my animal communication abilities
   I made a point this year to see if I could even do it. So silly. Of course I could. I just needed the proof. That came when I talked to a dog that belonged to another communicater. He showed me that I really can talk with the animals. The owner was integral in my discovery process. Now I am sharing this with people when it feels right for me to do so. I feel animals have messages to share with their humans and I can help bridge that gap.

~I am making an effort to listen to my animals as much as possible
  Every day my animals and sometimes clients' animals show and teach me something amazing. It doesn't matter how small the message, they all help me to share messages and discover more about myself.

~I learned how to crochet
  What a fun project to undertake. I have enjoyed making hats and scarves for family members. It is a process of creation that lets you get lost in the stitches but also keep an eye on the whole project.

~Shawn and I welcome Nora to the family
   After Chuck told me he was lonely for feline companionship Shawn and I decided we wouldn't mind having another feline in the house. So Nora came to us. She is so beautiful and lovely in her own sassy, mischeivous way. It is amazing the patience I have for her even when she is shredding something, yet again.

~I took a drum making class
  I had been hearing the beat for over a month and inspired by a friend's recent drumming practice I decided to find a class that I could make one. My drum is beautiful and carries the beat that I had heard. It is a transformational journey to be able to drum for my Shamanic Journeys.

~I have increased my business by 1/3
   Despite having been laid up from injury and unable to carry my typical work load I have successfully increased my business this year. I am so grateful for the wonderful clients and horses that I get to work with. They are all inspiring and make me work that much harder.

~I have made peace with family members
  Tough times, health issues, and so much more came to a head this year. It was time for me to forgive and make peace. I am so happy to have repaired the strained relationships. Family is and always has been so important to me.

~Shawn and I saw the Nutcracker Ballet
   We decided this year that we didn't want to get each other yet another gift. We have everything we need. We decided to treat each other for an evening out and to do something we hadn't done before. It was so much fun.

~Shawn and I reignited our passion for our future
  As most relationships go, things can get mundane and caught up with routine and daily to-do's. We have both been communicating with eath other more clearly. I am starting to see what life on the farm will look like with Shawn. We aren't there yet but one day when we have a farm to call home that all our animals can live in one place, we are certain to be there, together working as a team.

~I realize that my gifts are unique to me and I have something special to share with the world
   I am not sure I always realized what my gifts are or that they are even making a difference or at least being noticed. I am happy to say I have a more clear vision of my gifts and how I am making an impact on Earth for the better.

~I realize that part of my journey is connecting with people
  I never wanted to work with people. Ever. I just wanted to work with horses. Period. Little did I know that there was a greater plan for me. The horses were the doorway for me to want to and to be able to work with people. I dont' have all the details yet but they are unfolding.

~I made it to 2013
 This year has been such a great roller coaster. I have had such highs and such great lows. They have all taught me so much. I am so thankful for the trails and tribulations that have shaped the person I am going into 2013.

Thank you 2012!!

A World of Compassion and Forgiveness

Yesterday the world was moved by a school shooting. It amazed me how many people chose to feel anger, hatred, and fear. It amazes me more the people that chose to feel compassion, forgiveness, and peace. The news spread like wildfire. Media hunting for answers, picking apart one man's life for a simple understanding of his actions. Would it matter why? Would it bring peace to the wounded? Probably not. Professionals speaking out about the reasons a person's mental condition would cause such behavior. Few people, though a strong few, started a call for action. A call to shed light on our society as a whole. Who are we becoming?

I am one of the people that chose to feel compassion, forgiveness and peace for all individuals involved. I can only imagine the pain of the loss of a child or loved one. I can only imagine the pain suffered by the individual who chose to hurt others. I pray for forgiveness for those who chose to act out of fear and not love. I prayed in gratitude for those that were lost so that the rest of us may wake up and facilitate change towards love in this Great World.

On days like this I wonder if humanity will ever change. Will wars ever stop? Will peace ever fill our lives completely? It makes me sad and I don't understand how people can be so cruel. It doesn't seem fair.

I am one person, I can't change the world and make it a peaceful place overnight but I can contribute to the compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and peace in this world. I can help be that beacon of Hope for others. I can help plant the seeds of joy and enlightenment. Only you can choose your path; to water the seeds... or not.

I am choosing a path of compassion, acceptance, peace, love, forgiveness, and hope. Not every day is blissful but the more I embrace these simple things the more I experience bliss.

I asked for Guidance today to help me better understand my purpose in this lifetime. They showed me that living with compassion and forgiveness is key to unity. My work with horses provides me the opportunities to heal my past traumas, find compassionate conversation with other humans, and find reverence and truth in nature to share with other humans. I feel humbled by their advice and insight.

I tend like things clear cut and understandable. Their messages seemed vague but at the same time so very clear to me. I was looking for a clear image of what I should do in my lifetime. They asked my why I didn't think that what I was doing was good enough. It is good enough! I am able to do everything they showed me through my work. My work perfectly suites me in order to live my purpose. What is work anyways? Well, my work is just me in Earth School I suppose. I am out there every day doing something I love, that brings me joy. I feel I am making a difference for horses and their humans. And everyday I have the choice to feel compassion and hold forgiveness in my heart. How awesome is that? I feel so blessed that horses are in my life every day to teach me and light the way for me.  

Nora

I don't always allow change so easily in my life. Let me tell you, as you have heard before, change happens. Letting go so that the change can ebb and flow in our lives is essential to our journey.

One day last week Chuck told me he was lonely. I pondered this a couple of days before telling Shawn or conferring with a friend. I asked Chuck if he wanted a companion, a playmate, he did. He wanted a like minded being in the house to play with and be in cahoots with. I needed clarity on whether it was me wanting another cat or if it really was Chuck. Indeed, Beth confirmed it was Chuck. Chuck at least wanted to try having another cat in the house. Shawn and I were open to another cat but I was scared. I don't understand cat behavior as well as dogs or horses. I wasn't sure how to offer another cat a space in our home. I feared the worst; territorial marking, fights, claws that lash my skin, teeth that leave infected wounds etc. I decided to sleep on it.

The next morning I realized that as much as I enjoy helping animals I also struggled to embrace change in my own home. I like the balance in my family. We all work very well together. I also know that the 'right' cat to come in the home will fit in very well and it was meant to be. I had to let go of the 'me' thing and realize that this wasn't really about me. I actually was getting a companion for Chuck, I was providing for his needs. That makes me happy.

I also feared the emotion pain I may endure visiting a shelter with so many animals looking for a chance, just one look from a person that says " I will love you forever and I want to bring you home". I was in the verge of tears just thinking about all the animals I would encounter and say 'no' to.

There are not words to tell you how very enlightened I was to visit the shelter and meet all those animals. They had stories to share. One cat, Hector, told me he loved his cubby because he had the best view in the house that let him see all that was going on outside (he was next to a window). A lovely flower of a dog just cuddled right up to me and told me she knew why I was here and that she wished me well in finding the right cat for us. I almost cried right there. For a dog looking for a home to come up to me, unselfishly, and wish me well in finding a cat was just beautiful.  She was happy for us and there was no need for me to be sad for her, she was going to find a wonderful loving home. Shelter animals are so inspiring and grateful for life. Suffering just doesn't exist in the animal world. They all, on some level, know their purpose and the reason for their life. Suffering is such a man made thing that we apply to anything that we can't see the light and love in to explain a situation.

Back to the story...Shawn and I looked at several young cats. Our attention was grabbed by Nora (shelter name was Sweetie). She is a feisty 7 month old cat. She has oodles and oodles of energy just bursting out of her. The other cats were wonderful (words can't describe how lovely they all were, and I wish them all the best in finding a forever home) but in our active home with dogs we felt a confident outgoing cat would best fit in here. After a wait to clarify a prior hold on her and paperwork to be finalized, Nora found a new home with us.

It has only been 24 hours. It has been an emotion roller coaster for me. Excited to bring her home, hesitant for the first meeting with Chuck as he is the ultimate decider, disappointment in her less than desirable reaction to the dogs, and finally acceptance and compassion for a little kitten that has grown up in a shelter cage with absolutely zero idea of what a home, dogs, or another cat to interact with.

All of us (furry, feathered, and human) are working together to make this transition. I have been able to be present and aware of every one's needs and try my absolute best to accommodate everyone. We all deserve gold stars! I am coming from a place of compassion, acceptance, and patience for little Nora. Molly is quietly taking her place and slowly moving to support Nora's growing acceptance of her. Rocket is just being quiet as a mouse and gentle as ever to avoid conflict. Norta is bravely navigating her new world in the only way she knows how... boldly and full throttle. Doug is just quietly taking it all in.  And Chuck, tears of joy stream down my face when I think about how amazing this cat is. He is the best role model for Nora to follow. He puts her in her place when she lashes out at the dogs or him out of fear and then he shows her what is appropriate behavior. He keeps track of her to help her out. He plays with her. He kindly shares his food, toys, and litter box. There have been a few squabbles but no major or even minor injuries to anyone. Shawn and I couldn't be more proud than to share a home with Chuck. He surprises me everyday with his wisdom and compassion.

I don't know what lays ahead for the family here. I can only hold space that all is well, peaceful, and as it should be. And everything is as it should be. One moment at a time is all we ever need to worry about. I am confident that things will continue to get smoother with Norta. She is a lovely little girl with lots to say, lots to do, and lots to explore in this big new world.

I am have learned so much about me and all my companions in the last 24 hours. I really am so grateful for this experience. I am so incredibly blessed to a part of their lives. 

Magic happens

Good morning!

In the waking moments this morning I knew that I was supposed to sit down and write. That I had a message to share. Sharing my stories of my journey, the gifts I have been given, and lessons I have learned. I wondered as to how I was going to share all this. Simple...just share the journey as it is. My journey is unique to me and we each have our own magic.  In sharing my journey with you, as I have been and much more, I feel like those that read this will be inspired to connect to their authenticity and begin to see their own light as I have.

My own big awakening started when my neck put me out of commision. It was way more that just physical pain that I needed to work through. There was the negative mental chatter, the up and down emotions, and the lack of connection to my true self. One day at I time I started to plug away at uncovering my own mystery. I committed to finding my connection to God and to being who I truly am here to be. I first had to get the physical pain under control as it was all consuming. Once that started to subside (though it would be months before a feeling of 'normal' would return), day by day the little lessons and the big ones started to show up to remind me, guide me, and light the way. feel it to be summed up with~ be in each and every moment and feel your way through. Written out it looks like a piece of pie but in real life that is a challenging commitment but so very worthwhile.

I am blessed to have wonderful guides in my life that help me answer the questions and dig deeper to fully expose my true self. The guides are my friends in human, animal, plant, crystal, and spiritual form. The fear here of people thinking that I am off my rocker, crazy, or a little bit wu-wu is part of the me that I am working to heal. But sharing my story in this way will help me to expose that fear and let it go as I do not want it to rule me. The lessons that my friends have provided with me with have been none other than inspiring and transformative.

I have been working on meditation since the summer to quiet the chatty monkey mind. I was able to meet a wonderful woman who wrote a book about Shamanic Journey and my journey into that began. I am lucky enough to have a very dear friend, who also does Shamanic Journey's, that is able to help answer the question that I have and help guide me on my journey. Only in the last week have I started to journey. It is having a profound inpact on my life. The insights and clarity I have gained are life changing.

I am not sure that this point that I will share all the details of each journey with you but rather the messages that were presented to me. The journey is personal and unique to me. The messages however can be quite universal.

The message I would like to share today is that no matter where we are in life, we always have friends in many forms that are ready and willing to step up and help us on our journey if we can only slow down enough to listen in each moment.

Molly, my very special dog, wanted me to share this story to help you understand today's message.

Molly is very reserved around new people and animals. She doesn't prefer to be the golden retriever type that just let's anyone greet her. She puts up a bit of a front and stays away. People at this point are labeling her as, anxious, scared, bitchy, mean, or 'someone must have really abused her'. These are all very superficial judgements. Let me clarify for you, Molly has never been abused, she is well loved and never displayed this behavior when Shawn and I first met her. We saw her as the beautiful light that would become an integral part of our family. As time moves on, we ask people to ignore Molly and that she will warm up on her own time. In that time where people ignore her, they start to see the side of Molly that Shawn and I did. They see her sweetness, her love for life, her loyalty to her family. Once that awareness in them shifts she starts to allow new people to pet and engage with her.

Now you may be asking how does this impact me? Well, a few things come up. Molly shared this new awareness with me and it helped me to see that there are no problems in life to fix. Everything is just as it should be. Part of my journey here is to learn that everything has it's place in life and is perfect. When we try to fix, we imply there is a problem, we put out a judgement. There simply are no problems. Again, everything is as it should be. Always. When I could see the situation with Molly from a different light, I realized how much in life I want to fix. I care deeply about various things and always want what's best. However, my idea of what is best is still putting a judgement out there that something is wrong and it could be better if.... Simply not true. Everything is perfect. When I can allow everything to be as it is and just support it where it is in each moment, things will shift on their own due to my support of it being perfectly where it is in the moment. Molly also teaches about letting go of judgements, as they are not serving.

She shared with me that in order for me to see the light I must first open my eyes and seen my own light. I love this dog!

I always knew Molly was special. I am not sure I knew until yesterday exactly why she was in my life. She is a light in my life for sure. She loves me with all her being and never judges me, ever. I am thankful and glad to be in her life for her to teach me. I just need to remember, slow down, listen, and be in each and every moment. That is where the magic happens. 

Journey

Life is a journey. Simple. Lovely. Endless. Connected.

Life is exactly what we make it whether we know it or not. We attract people, places, events, animals into our lives when we need to in order to learn, grow, and expand our consciousness and our connection to Source.

We are all connected and we are all everything. This is a big concept and it is becoming a bigger part of my life every day. When we can see the world within us we can have compassion for the world we experience in and around us. We begin to see that we are not just a individual part in this experience on Earth but rather an integral part of the whole. Every single being (animal, plant, mineral, or object) on Earth, great and small, play a role in this experience that impacts all of us.

My life was recently greatly impacted by a special little girl. Her name was Purdy. She was a 3 week old kitten that was in rough shape. She was skin and bones, starving, cold, and weak. I brought her home in an effort to support her tiny little body to have life. She was only with us for 3 days but those days were so amazing.

First, she had a decision to make. To stay or to go. It was completely her decision to live this life or move on to the next. I was just her life support and catalyst for change. I gave her the sacred space, time, unconditional love, and physical support she needed to make her decision. I was not in control. No one is in control of things like this. We are only in control of how we feel and how we respond.

Second, she showed me how to be soft, loving, gentle, and get in touch with my femininity to support her. I struggle with finding softness in my world. I have a history of getting rough when things get tough. It has been such a journey to embrace that softness within me and then to be able to offer it to others. I try every day to keep that softness in my heart and in my hands. I had to stay soft with Purdy, she was too fragile to be anything but soft, loving, and gentle with. 

Third, she gave us hope and purpose. The hope for life. The hope for possibilities to what is to come. With or without her here things would shift just having been a part of her little life for that brief time. She brought out the nurturing and playful side of Chuck, our cat. She gave him something to look for. Someone to care for, show the ropes too, get in trouble with, and imagine all the possibilities with. Chuck and I will work together on a journey that helps support his purpose in this life.

Fourth, she showed us how precious life is. Cherish every single moment. Live every single moment and love like you never have in every single moment. You never know when things will change. Be so incredibly grateful for everything. When she left this life I cried for awhile. I cried for so many things. Not for the 'if onlys' or the 'i miss her' but for the peace she is in now, the choices that were made, the missing of the physical-ness of her presence. She may not physically be here but she is here somewhere out there.

Fifth, she showed me that it isn't always about us. I know that I feel everything I come across has the potential to teach me and help me grow in some way. There are times where we are just along for the ride for someone or something else. We are a part in their story. The actions we take and the words we speak will inevitably be a catalyst for them for change. We think we could have done something different, played the 'what if' game, or said something different but we did and said exactly the things that were supposed to be and they made the choice.  

I am so incredibly blessed to have been a part of her life and allowed her the love and acceptance to make the choice she was to make. I am so grateful for the ability to hear and sense other's needs around me and allow myself to shift in order to support them on their journey. The more I listen the more I am in love with the magic and awe of the unspoken.

Her burial was so lovely. Shawn created a wonderful resting ground beneath our Deborah Maple in the back yard that has a motherly nurturing feel to me. The light shines on this spot at the end of the day. Her tiny body was laid to rest amoung a few hand picked feathers so that she may stay light and fly to great heights on her journey, Amethyst to connect with her higher self's needs and Source and assist with decision making, Green Aventurine to provide comfort, healing, and harmony, and Red Jasper as it is a nurturing stone that brings tranquility and wholeness, and a bit of Sage to create sacred space in her resting place. Shawn ever so gently and with great care covered her.

I feel like I have expanded so much in this experience. I feel more connected with those around me and connected to my authentic me. This was not a loss on any account. Just great love and feeling blessed to have been a part of her life. She is on a journey just like the rest of us.

Hello self

It has been an incredible journey the last 8 weeks. A period full of self discovery on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. I am blessed with the experiences that have shown me how to grow and learn and expand in each moment.

My pinched nerve at the end of June got the ball rolling. It was the most debilitating pain I have ever experienced. It was a scarey, awkward, saddening, thankful, and wonder inducing experience. I have such a greater awareness of the needs of my body now. I am committed to trying to make each day a chance to honor and serve my well being. Some days are more challenging than others. It will always be a work in progress. I listen to and feel the needs of my body and make the changes necessary to put my well being first in everything that I do. It is such a different experience for me; to put me first, to take care of me no matter what. Still something that I am getting used to. The universe has this great way of showing me the direction that I heading and that reverting back to old ways can be painful and enlightening!

I am not sure how many of us can actually say that they put their needs first in life. We all should really be doing this because if we don't honor and care for ourselves how could we possibly do it for others. I was asked, "Do you really want to continue working with horses that belong to other people?" The answer was a heavy yes and no. "Do you approach your choices in life out of obligation or for your well being?" was the second piece of information asked. May answer was out of obligation. I answered yes to the first question because I really do enjoy being with horses and each opportunity they provide for me to grow and learn about myself through my work. And no because there are days I hurt, I have challenging horses and/clients, I just don't feel 'right', or I am over scheduled and over worked. It is those days I am working out of obligation and obligation ALWAYS stems from fear and/or control. Fear of not being able to put food on the table, keep a roof over my head, care for our companions and the list goes on. Fear of losing clients, making horses uncomfortable, or ruining a reptutation. All ridiculous fears but there nontheless.

In order for me to enjoy and want to work every day and find complete joy and gratitude in my work I ALWAYS need to take the necessary steps to honor my overall well being. 

Awareness brings realization. Realization causes awakening. Awakening brings us to an in-Lightened state. In the Light, you will find your truth... and finally you will know the power is within you. ~Pleiadian reminder

I would love to end there but the story is just beginning. This fear thing....well it keeps creeping up on me. Well, actually if I am being honest it is no longer creeping up but rather giving me a big shove to work with it. Whether it was understanding the fear of not ever being able to work again due to my neck or honoring the fear and finding a solution to working with my horse the messages are getting louder. I can't live in fear. I can't work out of fear and I certainly can't function with fear ruling my life. So, bring it on! Let's get to the root of the fear and allow it's strengths to propel me forward. The strength of fear is in intuition. It helps us take action and make a change. So that is exactly what I am doing. I made a change to my work life to allow me to work for my well being and allowing my intuition to guide me in my moment to moment life.

Jack, my only male horse companion that has been with me for 12 years, has really brought fear to a head for me and forced me to re-examine our current relationship. For the first 8 years, Jack and I went everywhere together, either alone or with another horse and rider. We traveled the trails for countless hours and miles. We attended workshops, clinics, and organized trail rides. We showed off his good looks and charming personality. He is not modest, not even a little. The more you tell him how handsome he is, the more he hams it up. The last 4 years with him have been wrought with change, fear, anxiety, and lack of partnership. I am evolving, as we all are. My needs are changing and partnership that I thought I had with him was not serving any longer. So Jack served up a dose of fear for me to work with. He started with separation anxiety and couldn't let the 3 mares of his herd out of his sight. Then he started to refuse to work with me. He became challenging and scarey for me to handle. Then he refused to go down the trail. Seemingly at random he would buck, rear, and spin, throw his head and squeal. I had lost all confidence to work with him. I have never and still am not afraid of him. I know in my heart Jack would never intentionally hurt me. I was afraid for my own safety. I was afraid I couldn't handle him. Nothing was Jack's fault-EVER. It was me. I no longer wanted a push button horse, I wanted a true partner that was connected with me and was allowed to express himself. That is what I got but didn't know what to do with it once I had it. I also didn't know how special it was that he was willing to be an authentic partner with me and stay present in our time together.

Jack just needed a leader. A confident, present, grounded, soft focused leader. So far, I wasn't any of those. I was afraid of all his raw power and my safety. I wasn't a leader as far as he was concerned. He was just letting me know how he felt. After many attempts to work through the problems, I sat down and cried. I cried a lot. I felt lost. I felt like a failure. I felt like I let him down. I felt like I had no business owning horses if I couldn't get through this with him. I pulled out my life line and  phoned a friend. Beth happily came up and gave me some insight into myself and Jack to help us move forward together in this new time for us. Points to remember- 1. Have fun and praise him. 2. He always knows what I am really feeling no matter what I am displaying. 3. He will follow me where ever I will go and wants to. 4. He needs a leader that is confident, present, grounded, soft focused and is willing to follow my intuition. 5. Break it down into "ridiculously simple no fail goals"(thank you Anke!).

Sooooo... yesterday I took my faithful and honest little Diva out for a trail ride. She and I work very well together and she helped me remember what being a leader feels like again. Not just remember in my head but remember in my body the feel of leadership. She put me in touch with that part of me that was wanting to come forward but had held captive. We got back to the barn and I was feeling like I had the power now and was able to work with Jack. I set out with no intention other than to just stay connected with him and how ever far we got was perfect. I saddled him up and threw a halter on him and off we went.  I walked him and played with him and AND had fun! It was a day of firsts. We walked all the way down the driveway, across the road down the trail. We had never been that far. I was so excited. It was flawless. He was soft and responsive, willing and happy. Frankly, so was I. I heard this little voice say I could get on him. I thought why not, I only have to get on and then I can get back off. After tying my lead line into a loop on his halter I swung into the saddle. Then the voice said I could walk forward. I figured why not I only had to go a couple of steps and then stop. The next thing you know we were happily walking back to the barn. Relaxed, responsive, and happy- both of us. 

I made a change and followed my intuition. It served Jack and I well. It is only a step and I can't take the next step without first taking this one. And this one step is all I ever have to think about. So with each step I will continue to be that leader for Jack and myself. Thank you fear.   

Commitments

This is a bit overdue but definitely has been in the works for awhile. Since I last posted so many wonderful things have transpired. Though not in the way that I was thinking things would.

There are times I question who I am and where I am going and what I am supposed to be doing. I wonder what is my purpose. I trim and love it. I do bodywork and love it. I communicate with the animals and love it. I educate people and love it. Recently a few doors closed on me. I felt a bit confused as to why since it was something that I was very much looking forward to. It would have provided me an education to continue to educate people about how we relate to horses. As all things in this world, there is reason that door closed. Though I don't understand it quite yet.

I sometimes feel like I have many things going on in my life. There are times I feel like I am struggling with committing to an area of study. But with the guidance of Beth (geez, she sure does seem to help me re-center myself often :) she helped me to see that I don't have a 'commitment problem'. I have a 'staying in the moment problem'. See my mind very much likes to worry, analyze, ponder, over rationalize, plan or just meander around. There are times that staying present in the moment is a challenge. I realized that when my mind decides to wander off is when I feel like I am non-committal. However, when I do stay in the present moment I feel very committed to each task at hand. My lesson: stay present in each moment.

Since applying this 'stay present in each moment' awareness (something I have to consciously work at) I have found greater meaning to what I do. I will share with you a recent story. I, a concerned citizen who doesn't like to see animals suffer, stopped by a local place to check on a donkey that appeared to be in great pain. After talking with the owner (I was nervous to confront the owner, was shaking like a leaf and sweating. Lovely, I know.) and expressing my concern for the donkey he hired me to start his rehab (the donkey is foundered and currently going through a bout of laminitis). I am relieved it had gone well but was prepared to walk away knowing I had done what I could to help the donkey. Let me tell you there are in general  two types of people in the world. Ones that say "it is just an animal" and ones like me who say "they think, feel, and are deserving of compassion, love, and understanding" My new client falls a bit into both categories. Old school tells him it is just an animal but he actually cares very much about the well-being of the donkey and very much wants to see him find greater comfort. In working with this situation I am proud to say that I am committed to what I believe and stood my ground. I was able to confidently and lovingly stand my ground for the treatment and handling I will and will not tolerate in relation to this donkey. I was able to leave the farm with a clear conscience and know I did my very best in putting my ego aside (the urge to have to get him trimmed today to show I can do it). The donkey is still not trimmed but he and I are becoming fast friends so that he can trust that I will keep him comfortable and safe during the rehab process.

Which brings me to another point. People (myself included) get hung up on labels. Donkeys- stubborn ass, annoying, rude, difficult, pushy. Ponies- defiant, naughty, sassy, difficult. Just to name a few. Well, the more we get hung up on the labels the more we find the labels to create a false truth. If we treat the donkeys as a stubborn ass we will get a stubborn ass to work with. What if the labels were wrong? What if Donkeys were brilliant, intelligent, smart, gentle, willing partners? What if Ponies were loving, sweet, friendly, compliant partners? Well, that would change everything about how we treat donkeys and ponies. I proved in 20 minutes that softness, quietness, and patience will show that a donkey can be soft, supple, willing, sweet, and want to work with me. We should try to stop making things something they are not. Things would go much smoother. Kind of like a knotty, twisted tree is not going to make good lumber and be difficult to chop down but it is a beautiful shade tree that provides shade for us and a home to the birds.

Back to commitments. When we find that we commit to the truth of each moment, set ego, judgment, labels, and opinions aside we find such greater joy, peace, and beauty in the world.

Incredibly Thankful

I sit here to write because I knew I wanted to share with you today but I am not sure quite yet where it will lead. Much like my meditation and animal communication sessions this morning; I didn't know where they would lead when I sat down. I know that I want to express my deepest appreciation for Beth. She has been and is the kind of friend that everyone wants in life. One that doesn't judge, sees you for who you really are, supports you no matter what, and is honest with you. Things are changing for me and seems like the changes are coming more quickly. She has been a rock of support for me and helping me when I get a little lost (though I am never really lost). She has brought so much clarity for me with my animals and has also encouraged me to trust my own abilities to communicate with animals. I am forever grateful for her wisdom, insight, and friendship. I am blessed to have her in my life.

Seems like the theme recently is about gratitude. I am incredibly thankful for so many things. I am thankful for this Earth and the life it supports me to have. I am thankful to Jesus for giving us his life. I am thankful to the people that love and support me on my journey. I am thankful for my wonderful husband who stands by my side and has encouraged me to follow my heart from day one. He never once has questioned or doubted my abilities and he is unwavering in his support. I am thankful for the animals that share their messages with me. I am thankful for the abilities I have been blessed with. I am thankful to the spirits I have met that have shown me a new route to explore. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food on my plate.

I sat in quiet meditation this morning before I began communication with a few different animals. It is such a peaceful place to be in. No thoughts, no worries just being. A dog shared with me her need for a raw food diet~ I am encouraged by the response of the owner that she, just this morning, talked about changing to raw with her animals. Lady, my horse, shared with me her love and support. This is a horse that is irreplaceable. She is a once in a lifetime horse. She went through a depression that scared me. She is losing weight and picking at her food. I am encouraged after spending some quiet, quality time with her that she has perked up again. We have plans to do something special, just her and I. It is very inspiring how the universe works to bring our attention back to something and how it makes room for change and growth. I have never forgotten Lady's importance to me but with life occurring I forgot to be conscious of the importance of her in my life. She is like the North Star in my life. Ever present, guiding me, supporting my journey. There are many new stars in my life that light up my world and excite me but none will ever compare to the brilliance of the North Star. She, like the North Star, is unwavering in her love and support of my journey and she is the light in my life that always keeps me moving forward, learning, and expanding.

Lady

I was in awe this morning.  I talked with a few animals and then cleansed the land I was on and allowed peace and harmony to support all the creatures that are there. I asked the Earth to make this a safe haven and place where animals can come to find compassion and understanding. I was moved by each of my horses, especially Zoe, using their individual  gifts to support the energy and land there. I opened my eyes to see that the horses, dogs, cat, and I had aligned in a circle. It was pure brilliance! There was such love, compassion, understanding, and openness in the moment. I am so thankful for the experience. I am touched by the animals that have chosen to share their life with me.

I started this blog no knowing what I would write today. After all has been said I am still thankful the the ability to communicate with you my journey. I am moved to tears; something that has not always come easily for me. I have doubted myself and my abilities so much through my life that I was unfeeling and resentful at times. Now with the full confidence and support I move forward and share messages with so many. I am incredibly thankful for the growth in my life. I feel I have found my voice and inner strength to share this message. Thank you.

Begin again

After a few weeks off from writing I am ready to get back onto the page. I really needed time to let my body process all the changes that were occurring. I found that my spirit, body, emotions, and mind were all in slightly different places. I needed to get them all back to the same page. This feels like a new experience, like something I have never gone through, in this life or in past lives. I have sought guidance from blessed friends, spirits, and of course the animals.

I had struggled to meditate a few days ago because body and spirit were out of sync but I realized after the fact that a few messages came to me and I just wasn't aware. In those quiet moments between struggling to ground and relax my breath into my whole being I felt my energetic body expand. I could feel a distance away from me the limits of my energy. I felt it bump into other beings too. I felt and saw the aura of the horses, the dogs, and most remarkably the earth. I felt my aura extend down below my feet and connect with hers. I felt her well up and expand her aura so that I could feel it more readily. It is expansive, beautiful, and absolutely awe-inspiring. To think that I am just one being here on Earth that is so much a part of her energy and everyone else. You can't be here on Earth without your energy enmeshing with the energy of the Earth, whether you are aware that it happens or not. What if the trees were really extensions of her so that we may more readily get to know her? What if the grass were like our arm hair that senses the atmosphere around it and detects minute changes in energy and provide feedback? The roots of trees go deep within the Earth, it is almost unimaginable the extent of their unseen depth. They are intimately connected with the Earth. What if skyscrapers, though erected by humans, are just towers from where she can receive more energy, feedback, and connect with us? Like a cell phone tower that moves our unseen calls at lightning speed across time and space to connect us.

Today as I sat, I softened the mental chatter. I don't force, that gives me headaches. I just quietly remind myself to soften and suspend conscious thought for a period of time. Each time a thought creeps back in I just soften and begin again. I wanted to just cleanse and purge during this meditation. I scanned my being for areas of blocks and allowed the energy to just dissipate them as needed. I opened my heart to the messages that were available and just allowed the healing energy to just move through me, around me, and uplift and re-balance me. I could feel the energy get stuck in my solar plexus. I began to yawn and yawn and yawn. I allowed my body to move and undulate as it felt needed to process through the blockage. I let the sunshine wash over me and recharge me. Afterwards I felt refreshed and renewed. 

Work is minimal this week, scheduling can make it a bit wonky in how things end up. I decided to allow myself this time to rejuvenate my being. It is the new start of a quarter and I just couldn't make ends meet to continue with T'ai Chi this quarter. I was nervous to tell my instructor but felt relieved once I had. I know change is good and there is a reason I won't be there for this set of corrections classes.

There have been many shifts for me lately. Lots of good changes under way. I have been receiving many messages and it is time to start listening a bit more closely. In order for me to really fine tune my receiver I am starting to "put myself out there", as Beth would say, and begin communicating with animals so that I can get validation and feedback. This will help me fine tune my skills and support me as I move in the direction of Messenger. I don't  know everything about this journey but that is half the fun. It is exciting to see where it will take me while I am working in each moment.

Control-Day 21

I can feel it creeping up. I can't seem stop it. Control. I want everything to be just so and how I want it. The truth is that there really is no control. It is all false. It is something our ego creates to make us feel safe, to have a purpose, and that we are 'under control'. More like under a spell. The spell of control makes us think we are under control and that we have things under control. How silly is this? I waste time trying to control how the day will work out by planning it all out. Then something happens and that schedule no longer works. I scramble to get the schedule figured out again only to get stressed that nothing is going according to plan. What if we just rolled with the flow and threw control out the proverbial window?

Well I am throwing control out the window. Yes, sometimes it still manages to hold on by it's sticky little finger. I actually have physical pain in my body from trying so hard to control everything. No, I am not a control freak but I think I used to be. I think I more internalized the control and drove myself nuts. I actually don't want to be in control. I want something Higher than me to take control and let me just ride the wave.

A few things happened this week to really help me get the feeling of losing that control and how it feels good to lose control. I lost an important keepsake. I was worried and upset about it's loss. I tried everything I could to find it but to no avail. There was an element of control about wanting it back. It was mine, I payed for it, it was made specially for me, and I think it is pretty and I want it back. When I was able to truly let go trying to find it and acknowledge that it is still energetically connected to me and it is serving a greater purpose somewhere else, I was reunited with it. I was elated. I can't begin do describe the feelings that came when it came back. I feel like I had found a long lost and very much cherished friend. Letting go was pivotal for it to come back into my physical life.

I take part in a meditation class hosted by Asia Voight. I have a history of struggling to meditate. My conscious mind wants to take control of everything and fill my head with constant endless thoughts that have nothing to do with the meditation at hand and I can't seem to get my brain to quiet and stop controlling the conversation. Sigh...... In the past, when I meditate I have gotten severe headaches, dizziness, and then frustration that I can't control my brain enough to shut it up for 5 minutes. It is a work in progress, let me tell you. This was the fourth class with Asia and she has different speakers each week that have their own tips and insights into meditation. Week one was the hardest but each following week it has gotten easier and easier. Last night was a break through night! Vincent Genna is gifted and led a beautiful meditation in which I was able to stay nearly 100% on track with the meditation. My mind didn't do any wandering and I didn't experience any headaches or dizziness. It was such a relief and release. I was so appreciative of the chance to really let go of control, trust the meditation, and just follow. It was divine.

One last occurrence that I will share to further help you see my dilemma with control and throwing it out the window. As a trimmer I work a lot with my hands, wrists, and arms. They bear the brunt of almost everything. I have to hold onto moving horses, nip through rock hard hooves, hold slippery wet hooves, you name it I do it. The times when horses are moving around and pulling their hooves away is when I feel my wrists start to become painful. It feels like inflammation and repetitive use trauma. I grip to hold onto the hoof when the horse starts moving. It is almost a subconscious action to try to control the horse by gripping harder on the hoof or leg. Which is ridiculous, I might add. In no way am I, a 125 pound strong woman, going to control a 1,000 pound massive horse with my hand on his hoof. Just not going to happen. I had this little moment of 'ah-ha' yesterday when a horse starting dinking around while I was trimming. I went to grip the hoof to hang on to control him (silly, I know), I felt the pain creep into my hand. This time I stopped. I put the hoof down and stretched my wrist and realized what I was doing. I was trying to CONTROL the situation. I allowed my hand to relax and release it from having to control this horse. I allowed soft energy to travel all the way through my arm, into my wrist, fill my hand and go out my fingers. This gave the so-called control somewhere to go and let it know that control was no longer going to work here. My wrist immediately stopped hurting. There was no aching afterwards and no continued pain on the drive home. It was sooo cool and such a relief. 

These are wonderful examples for me to remember when I think about how control tries to control my life. They are a testament to throwing control out that proverbial window and coming back to my being so that I may live a fuller life with out the constraints of control. It is a freeing experience. It is one that I continue to keep working with and prying that sticky little finger off the window once and for all.

Crying My Heart Out- Day 20

Have you ever shook a bottle of pop with the lid on? And I mean really shook it so that you can feel the pressure push out on the bottle. Then....open the lid? That is what it felt like for me. The lid finally blew off. I spewed tears all over me, the horses, my shirt, my jacket. I cried my heart for as long as I felt I needed to. I sobbed through all the pain, frustration, feelings of lacking, anger, sadness, and loneliness. I was with the horses when I really let go and let it all out there. I talked it out with them. I let them know everything that I was feeling as it came up. I asked why, I asked for help, I wondered about my life journey. I told them I am done. I am done. I am done trying to be perfect. I am done trying to control. I am done feeling like I am all alone. I am done doing it all by myself. I am done feeling like I am not good enough. I am done, done and done.

I knew in those moments of streaming tears and snotty nose that there was nothing I could do, nothing I needed to change. I was actually happy to just release everything I was feeling...finally. I hold so much in to build that facade that I am under control. I am not under control. I am an emotional being that has ups and downs. Those are normal and should be experienced. I hate the feeling that I may be reeling out of emotional control. Society has shaped us to be unfeeling automatons. We automatically stuff our deepest fears, ignore them, squelch our need to express our emotions all because society can't handle it and require us to maintain composure. All for what? So that we can suffer silently in our pain, fear, anger, frustration. That is just not what I want.

I can't control anything any more than you can. We can make choices but those choices are given to us by God (thanks Mom). I am giving up my false control to Him. I want to let Spirit guide me and I want to trust myself to make the 'right', whatever 'right' that may be, decisions in each moment.  I want to express my Authentic Self's desires and not succumb to the False Self. False Self is that fear we are not good enough, the doubt that we know enough, the anger that we express, the frustration that we feel. False Self says "who are you to be better, that you know enough to make a difference in the world" It wants to crush us and keep us on a leash. And it will if we let it. Well, I am done. I have cried. I am released and I have realized who I really am.

I am Authentic. I am exactly where I should be in my life. I am 26 years old and feel light years ahead. I don't know how I intuitively know things or how I see images that I do but I do. I don't know exactly how I will impact this world. I do know I am here for the horse. I do know that I am paving a unique path in they way hooves are considered.  I have an incredible amount of learned knowledge and that much more intuitive knowledge. I change lives. I am making a difference in the world. I am helping horses live happier and healthier. I am helping people learn about their journey and how in dynamically changing our relationships with horses we can access our Higher Self. I understand we are all on our own journey. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes and I will judge. I can only forgive myself and find compassion for those mistakes and judgements. I have a voice that can be heard. I know that I will connect with the people and animals in my life as I am supposed to. I am contributing to other people's journey as they are contributing to mine even in unexpected ways.

I am done 'just trimming'. That no longer feels good to me. I won't just come trim your horse without realizing that each horse has individual needs and they deserve to have those needs to be understood and met. I want each trim to be a timeless connection for that horse. Each horse will receive the very best of me. It is about quality and not quantity. I am listening and I want you to know you will be heard. I don't trim for the sake of the job. I trim for the horse. To make his/her life a little more comfortable and joyful. I trim so that they can connect better to the Earth. I trim so that they may have a 'Sole to Soul Connection' with me and other beings. I provide a trim so that they may grow a healthy, supportive, and balanced hoof. For me, the hoof is the doorway to new worlds and new beginnings. They each tell a story. That story is one of time, hope, love, trust, acceptance, and understanding.

These are rapidly changing times. I am here. Where ever that 'here' may be. This is me pouring my heart out so that my voice is heard. Going forward I want to give myself permission to cry my heart out whenever I need to so that I can release and move to a place of better clarity and love.

Hunger, Learning, Awareness, Hope- Day 16, 17, 18, and 19

I have been out of town for a few days with no computer handy to write daily. It is actually refreshing to not have access to electronics for the couple days I was gone. It was a jam packed couple days. Shawn came with me and made the 6ish hour drive not so lonely. Lots of horses got trimmed and Shawn went cross country skiing.

Hunger-
What is hunger? Hunger tells us we need to eat food to survive. Without food to nourish our physical body we can't survive. Our cells need the nourishment from nature to continue to function and thrive.

Hunger also compels us to move forward in life. Hunger is what is needed to make a change, a choice, and to put one foot in front of the other. We hunger for life.  We hunger for love, for fulfillment. Hunger drives us to learn more about ourselves. It is the push we need to take our first steps. We hunger for mobility. Hunger encourages us to speak our first words. We want to communicate with others.
      
Hunger is what helps us to make friends because we yearn to be social, feel acceptance, and feel like we belong. Hunger pushes us out the door when we the time comes to move away from Mom and Dad. We want Independence and our own identity.
     
We hunger for that soul-filling relationship with horses. We are driven on a search for true partnership with our horses. Horses help shape our hungers in life. They allow our hunger to shape who we are without judgement. We can learn more about our true hungers in life by reflecting on what the horses' hunger for.

Horses hunger for survival, individuality, relationship, and cooperation as a herd. They live for each other so that they each can survive and live fully to their own potential within the herd.

It is through our relationships with horses that we can hunger for true things in life. Hunger is not filled by jealousy, envy, spite, competition, anger, or self-righteousness.

We are only satiated when we feed our soul's hunger and live our purpose in each moment.  

Learning-
There are times we are consciously aware of what we are learning and there are so many for occasions where we are subconsciously learning. As I went through the horses I trimmed today I began to feel and realize that they were teaching me and I wasn't aware of it in the moment.

Feather is a brilliant healer for those that need her and for herself. She can take care of herself and needs no pity from anyone. She is one tough chick. She has one of the worst coffin bone rotations I have worked with to date. Yet she is feisty and gallops through the snow. She has shown me what it means to not succumb to a 'dis-ease' and rise above the seemingly impossible. She is healing and will continue to improve. I couldn't ask for a better teacher to help guide me through her trimming. She is so brave and strong- it is those qualities that I needed to make that first nip through the toe to bring her break over back. It is scary! I fear the worst. I know that Feather trusts me and supports my ability to help her heal. After her trim she was sooo much more comfortable. She marched right off without her boots and was ready to do play in the snow and find whatever tid bits of hay she could. Moments like that make me want to cry in relief and in joy. I am so thankful for her wisdom and support so that I can do my very best for her.

Ike used to scare the hell out of me. He made me nervous and unsure. He has taught me very quickly to set healthy boundaries with him and others. He has shown me time and time again how to relax and connect with him to keep him safe and comfortable. His past has led him to be a bit unpredictable due to chronic pain. For me, unpredictability scares me. I like control and to know how everything is going to play out. Ike shows me every time I work with him that there is no control and I don't need to know how everything is going to work. He has never once hurt me or put me in a position to feel unsafe. Amazing. He shows me what he needs to feel comfortable and supported. When I can support him he willingly supports me and keeps me safe. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this to think how far our relationship has come. There have been trims that have been incomplete or he has not trimmed at all but each and every time it has been a profound learning experience for me, him, and his owner. He has taught me to let go of the attachment to HAVE TO get him trimmed every time I am there. It is far more important for me to nurture the relationship that we have so we can have a safe, healing, and comfortable place for trimming to occur. I love Ike, he is my bud and teacher.

I could go on all day about everything this group of horses has taught me. It is wonderful to be able to feel safe, support, loved, and appreciated by these horses and their owner. Every visit is subtly profound.  It is in environments like this that I can truly give everything I have back to the horse and interact with them in a way that is healing, supportive, and loving for them. I couldn't be more thankful for the learning opportunities that I am consciously aware of and the more subconscious ones that I become aware of later in reflection.

Awareness-
These last few days I became more aware of changes to belief system. I am aware that my needs in life have shifted. I have slowed down. I am more meaningful in my actions and words. I am aware that I still doubt my abilities. I am aware that I am imperfectly perfect. This is my journey and it will always be filled with learning and growth. On my journey I am blessed with wonderful teachers and guides from this physical life and beyond. They all are there exactly when I need them and always provide messages for me exactly when they need to be heard. Sometimes it isn't until I reflect on all the changes I have been through that I realize how far I have come, how far I have to go, and how it is perfect right where I am. I realize I don't need to be so hard on myself and that I am my most harsh critic but sometimes this is what drives me to learn more and be my best in what I am.

Hope-
It is with frustration that this is written but in hope that things do change. I know what I want and I get frustrated that I don't have it yet. I know how I want things done and I get frustrated when they are not done that way. I know how animals should be treated and I get beyond frustrated when I know they are treated poorly. It is in hope that I find peace that those people are on their own journey and they will experience what they are supposed to. I am not to judge them but find compassion for them. I hope they will one day be enlightened to their actions and want to make a change. Just as the horses are here to support me and teach me, there are plenty of animals world wide that are teaching us every day and just waiting for someone to have their own 'ah-ha' moment when they finally hear the message. Overcoming my negative thoughts will allow me to leap over those hurdles I am faced with. I will have a renewed sense of hope when I believe in my individual capabilities. I do not need to worry about anyone else's journey or what they think of mine. I only need to be on my journey. Any energy I give to someone else's journey just takes away that needed energy to support my journey.

 I deserve all that energy to be focused on the compassion, love, and growth in my journey.

Rolling- Day 15

Today just didn't find time for me to sit with the herd. I was able to enjoy watching the clouds roll by as the weather was coming it. It was soothing and inspiring all at once. I am tired today after a great meditation last night with Asia Voight where she used crystal singing bowls to awaken and rebalance our chakras. I am at peace in knowing that for one day it was simply ok to not connect with my horses on such a deep level. I connect with them every day at varying levels. Today just wasn't a deep or profound connection. They were aggitated by the weather today. It seemed like I needed a day to process the changes in me. The weather seemed to be a clearing of the old and rolling in with the new. It was recharging day for me. I find that I need a day here and there to just sit with myself and be ok with not doing much but just rolling with the flow.

Flying chakras- Day 14

Jack connected with me immediately this morning. He wanted to let me know that he wanted to share with me today. So I sat with him after the poop was all picked up. He showed me how light and floaty I can be. He reminded me that we are physical beings on Earth but we are mostly made up of light and spirit. He then flew off with me on his back. He had suddenly grown wings and was like Pegasus lifting us to the great heights of the universe.

This experience reminds me that we are all spiritual beings having a physical experience here on Earth. It is on Earth that we experience our Spirit from a different perspective. I am reminded that we are limitless and that only we get in our own way. We need to learn to step out of our way so that we may soar to great heights. Jack also showed me about balancing my chakras and that each of my horses offers something to each of my chakras. I asked each of them where they supported me and they showed in me in colors. Jack was red- root chakra. Zoe was green- heart chakra. Lady was blue- third eye chakra. And Diva, could you guess (divine), she was purple- crown chakra. I thanked them for their support in all the right places. I gave Diva a good rub and chuckled at her being Divine Diva. And she is soooo Divine. :)

Today was a short lesson from the horses but profound. This evening I also participated in Asia Voight's Meditation Series. The meditation we did tonight was with crystal singing bowls. It was beautiful. I felt each of the bowls vibrations at the different chakras.  I felt the energy move up through my body with each singing bowl. The dogs even participated. They were intrigued by the singing bowls and felt uneasy at the throat chakra. There was a need to move by all of us. Then the release came and the energy moved up to the third eye chakra. When we were at the heart chakra I all of a sudden was visited by a gorgeous peacock. The iridescent emerald green from the feathers resonated with me. The peacock then shared at the throat chakra the light blue iridescent color and then at the third eye chakra the stunning cobalt blue of his neck and torso. It was just delightful. Not to mention that the peacock is a symbol of vision and awakening. According to Chinese mythology the feather are a blending of five colors that have a sweet harmony of sound. Very cool!!! After the last singing bowl at the crown chakra all of my chakras began to grow beyond my physical body. They began to spin within my entire being, spiritual and physical. It was so very divine to be able to experience what my spirit body feels like outside of my physical body.

I love how Jack's message of flying to great heights while staying grounded and the chakras tied right in with the meditation tonight and having a peacock share his messages with me.
 

Communication is a Two-way Street-Day 13

As I sat with Zoe today, who has made it clear that she wants me to sit with her more often, she enlightened me to the nuances of communication. It is a two-way street. She wanted to move to a pile of hay closer to me but that meant getting next to Jack. This is no problem as he has little authority over her but he at least communicates his distaste for her moving closer. She responds to him by moving away from him a bit more. There I sit with Molly in my lap, Rocket to my right curled like a fox on a flake of hay in the corner of the lean to with Zoe right in front of us, Jack and Lady to each of her flanks. Rocket was aware of his lack of space to move and Molly with disgusted with Lady chewing in her face. I wondered briefly about my safety but realized the horses were very aware of my presence and allowed me enough space to feel safe. My thoughts of concern for my safety were answered with their awareness for their hooves, so they wouldn't step on me or one of the dogs.

I can't count the number of times I have witnessed a human demanding a horse to do something while the horse is flat refusing. The human reprimands the 'bad' behavior and the horse becomes 'sour' and unwilling. This is the epitome of failed communication between horse and human. This situation could be different by the human listening to the horse, maybe he is in pain or confused. This would allow for an adjustment of approach that is able to help the horse want to respond. This is how it should work. Horses want to communicate with us be sometimes we just won't listen. I know I have fallen prey to deaf ears when working with horses in the past. I know that I have pushed without listening to why the horse is responding the way he is. It is my mission to always listen. Listening will create better relationships based on trust and understanding.

Communication comes in all forms- prayers, meditation, verbal, physical, mental, and emotional. We put a message out to the world in hopes someone will answer. Only in listening do we hear the answer. So much of the time we are busy putting the messages out to the world but never bother to listen for a response. We don't always get a response in a way we are hoping for or expecting to. Responses can from from the most unsuspecting places. For instance, I put the message out to the horses that I would like to learn from them and hear their messages. I can put that out there all I want but I must be willing to hear, feel, sense, intuit a response. So every day I get quiet, I rest my mind from all the hoopla of the day and just sit with them. I am patient and wait with no expectation for anything specific to come. Then it seems to float in as a thought and things for the day have a different meaning and perspective for me because of the response I received. Today was communication and all day it has been about sharing my messages but more importantly listening with my whole being for the response.

Horses deeply want to share their wisdom and love with us. We must be able to listen to them in order to hear their messages. It isn't just horses that have something to share with us. Everything in nature speaks to us if we will only listen. The tree I saw get chopped down without regard didn't understand what was happening. The trees ask us to ask them for their messages. They have a voice and are here to reach out to us (branches) and support us(oxygen and roots).

Most times as I write the messages just come flowing through me. These are my interpretations of the messages sent to me that are wanting to be heard and shared. I sit down with the computer and let the words flow through my fingers to the keys and onto the page. Before long I have written something that is lovely, touching, and profound. These messages from the horses through me are sharing that wisdom and love. They want to be heard. They want you to pause in reflection for the messages that you can receive and share with others.

I am convinced more than ever that I need to listen more and talk less. Most of you know that I can be quite verbose. The more I have chosen to listen the less verbose I have become. Words no longer spew out of my mouth but now they flow more slowly and steadily as I feel my audience can hear me because I have listened to their needs and can respond appropriately. So frequently with horses I have just asked and told and begged for them to work for me. Now it is an exchange of communication, they listen, I listen, they send messages, I send messages. It is nothing short of profound the experiences I have with my horses have changed to one of respect, honesty, and trust. The foundation of communication where each side of the party has a chance to share a message and listen to the response and adjust accordingly to work in harmony is beyond profound. Yet it is so simple.

We are in an age of wireless and ever increasing lack of personal contact with those we communicate with. Things are moving faster and faster around us. Things are seemingly starting to frey at the ends with the stress of such a fast moving world. Almost everyone that has taken a moment can feel the tension of coming change. Change is good. Communication that resonates with us on a soul level and speaks from a place of love and understanding will positively impact our lives.

Light in my life- Day 12

I sit in peaceful silence against the cold lean to. The horses munch contentedly away on their breakfast hay. Molly searches for warmth in my lap. The sun sweeps into the lean to basking it's warmth on everything it touches. In here it is delightful. Out there, the bitter wind whips in torrents around the pasture.  It is ready to whisk away anything unsecured. The wind threatens to chill to the bone with an empty coldness.  I gladly would stay in here all day.

Zoe munches right in front of me. The light catches her hoof and reflects into my eyes. I realize they are the light in my life.

I realized as a whole everything that the horses (mine and others) have provided in my life. Everything that they have supported me with. Everything they have encouraged me to do. Everything they have made me work for. Everything they have made me live for.

They were there at a young age for me, ever encouraging and supporting me, pushing me to never give up until I got what I wanted. They guided me through loves, break-ups, friendships, school, sports, showing, work, and life in general. They were my tissue when I needed to cry. They pushed me when I thought I couldn't do it. They were my rock when things got tough.

They show me how to persevere when situations get tough and seem like there is no end in sight. They show me how to love unconditionally. They show me how to be gentle and soft. They show me how to forgive. They show me how to bend.  They show me that we are intricately connected. They show me their depth for understanding. They show me how to be authentic and believe in myself. They show me the real me when I try to pretend.

They calm my fears, wipe away my tears.
They soothe my anger, soften my pain.
They stir my soul, guide my love.

I am so blessed to have horses as my guide in this life. I am influenced by so many creatures but none stand as noble and resolute for me as the horse does. I have no doubts about the reasons that horses are in my life.

If they have done all this for me, what could I give them in return? I reach out to help all that I can. I provide the best care I can to each horse I work with. I respect each individual one and provide love and understanding to each. I help educate everyone interested about what the horses are here to help us with and how we can better serve them. They are patiently waiting in the wings to be heard by everyone. They support us without us knowing they are they. They are selfless beings capable of transforming this world into a better peaceful place. They gave up everything for us, so that they may be able to carry us to a place of enlightenment.

I am humbled by their love, understanding, honesty, acceptance, and loyalty.

I am forever in their debt.

Honesty= Authenticity- Day 11

I know I have heard the old phrase "Honesty is the best policy" too many times to count. I used to think that it kept me from getting into trouble with my parents. Today it has so much more of a profound meaning to me. The horses showed me today all about being honest from a different perspective.

Being honest with others also means that you need to be honest with yourself. Saying what you believe and believing what you say is honest and authentic.

It was feed time and their meal wasn't quite ready yet. While I waited for it to finish soaking I spent some time with them. They were eager and slightly impatient to have their meal even though they had a bale of hay that was available to them. They all huddled around me, searching for a morsel of grain somewhere on me that would satisfy their craving. Jack thought I was something to be protected and kept the girls just slightly out of reach of me. He felt that he alone should be the one and the only one to receive any morsel I may have. Zoe was able to creep in and she was agitated but not pushy. She searched me all over then in one swift move grabbed my jacket hood and yanked. Not the kind of yank to drop  me or drag me, not mean or invading my space. She was simply being honest with me that her tummy was yearning for her meal and I had to bring it to her NOW. I told her soon and she sighed in understanding. Lady waited patiently next to Zoe, waiting for her opportunity to get close to check me for food; as if I may have a hidden morsel just for her that I didn't give to Jack or Zoe. She waited next to me never searching, never yanking, never protecting, just waiting. Diva thought she would woo me with soft nuzzles and warm breath. Diva girl just is a darling.

I think most people would have shooed the horses away, saying they were encroaching their space, that they were being rude and pushy. Never once did my horses cross a boundary that left me feeling cornered or unsafe. They just were letting me know that they were hungry in their individual ways. They didn't skirt around the truth, they didn't sugar coat it (well maybe Diva did a little), they didn't pretend they weren't hungry. They just came right out and let me know in the only way that was possible for them.

When I can be direct and honest with people about how I feel and my beliefs without sacrificing anything that is authentic. Horses do this so naturally when we allow them. We can learn so much about being authentic; lining up our beliefs and what we say to be congruent. Horses set boundaries for themselves everyday that help them survive. They never lie, cheat, pretend, or exaggerate to survive. Surviving is about being honest with their individual needs so they can work cohesively together as a herd and not as individuals. If the herd can survive then each individual can too.

Being authentic has such a liberating feeling. I feel heard, understood, accepted, and trusted.  I never feel like I did or said something that betrayed my belief system when I am authentic. I can positively impact my life and those around me when I am congruent with my beliefs and my speech.

Of course to be authentic we do have to slow down and evaluate how we feel and be able to express our beliefs in a clear way. This also means thinking about what we say before we say it (that has not always been easy for me).I have less regrets over what I say because I am authentic. I  know that we are all individuals and not everyone will agree with me and that is ok (sometimes hard to allow each their own experiences when I can have such strong beliefs) but again at least I know I was true to my beliefs and allowed myself to be truly heard. Then when I put my honesty out there, it is a relief to me because I know I spoke from my heart and what I said is true for me.

I also think that speaking from the heart is authentic because we speak from a place of love and then no words spoken will ever be intended as mean or hurtful. Everything we say will positively support each other on their individual journey while also supporting our own.

This entire blog is my authentic being. I speak from the heart and this is what I believe. It is through my relationships with my horses, client horses, and horse energy that have allowed me to find my true authentic voice.

Personality Profile from the Horse- Day 10

The horses brought to light for me the profound effect our personalities have on our horses. Horses have chosen to live a life next to humans and it is no wonder to me that our companions would exhibit personalities that are quite similar to our own. I think people recognize this more easily in dogs and I can tell you for sure that almost any animal (dog, cat, bird, horses, etc.) that is closely linked with a human will have similar personalities.

My four horses are a direct and honest reflection of who I am. I believe they have chosen to reflect back to us our traits in order to help us learn and grow to a place more in line with our spiritual selves.

Lady shows me how seriously I can take life and that I am connected to higher consciousness. She also shows me how to set judgement aside and be the best I can be for everyone that I meet.

Jack shows me that I have a need to make sure everything is OK and under control. He also shows me that I tend to over react a little bit when I get caught up with emotions. He also shows me it is good to lighten up and have a good time. He teaches me how to listen.

Zoe shows me what it means to be a good leader. She also shows me what happens when I get caught up in the ego and how it will affect my leadership abilities. She shows me the way to staying connected to my being while also connected to higher consciousness.

Diva shows me how to be a light as a butterfly and as stunningly simple and yet profound as wildflower. She is my soulful, sensitive, charismatic guide. She reminds me to lighten up in my physical body and stay flexible mentally and physically.

Profound. They sum up all parts of who I am and show me areas where I can learn. I am so blessed that they have shown a light in my life and have helped to illuminate the being that I am. When I am with them and ask for help and get quiet enough to listen they are always ready and waiting to show me the way.

This is day 10 (actually yesterday was but I am keeping up with the daily connections just not alys getting to write right away) and so far everything they have shown me is awe inspiring, lovely, and honest.

Just Being- Day 9

What does that mean? To just be. Today as I went through my daily chores with the horses I found myself completely immersed in the moment. There was no big message for the day but when I realized that I may not have something to write about it occurred to me that there was plenty to write about in 'just being'.

Just being not doing is what the horses are all about. They just be what they are in every moment. They don't worry about getting things done, they don't stress the small stuff. They just eat their hay, then get a drink, maybe a quick, poop then back to hay..ooo 'mom' came to take me for a walk today. They don't worry about what may happen or try to plan their day. They just roll with the flow as each moment passes and live in each one of those moments. They try to make the most logical choice in each moment that allows them the best possible outcome.

How often do we get caught up in the 'to do' list? How often are we working on the 'to do' list and still wondering about other things that need to get done? How many of us will drive for awhile only to realize that they don't remember driving through an area? Classic example of our brains doing multiple things at once and not just being in each moment. When I work with the horses, I don't fear for getting stepped on, kicked, or bitten. I simply stay present in each moment and make choices either consciously or subconsciously that will keep me and the horse safe. Chances are if I worried about getting stepped on I would probably get stepped on. Instead, I just be in each moment and in this present minded awareness I am generally able to stay safe. Accidents can and do happen every day. We can't always control that but we can control how we deal with the experience. We can choose to be in the moment and see the bigger picture, maybe find peace or forgiveness for the situation, instead of being filled with anger or blame or pity.

Just being is such a freeing experience. We are able to take all things in at once, without thought, and just allow each experience to unfold as it may. All the choices will become clear to us when it is necessary for us to make a choice.  Don't worry about whether you might have a bad ride. Prepare in each moment as necessary and when the time comes make the choices that will have the best possible outcome. Worrying about a bad ride will only send negative thoughts out and your worry will upset your horse. Relax, trust each moment. If you do have a less than desirable ride, it is OK. Don't blame the horse, don't get upset. Just allow yourself to see the big picture and see how you may have influenced it. Maybe there was a brilliant lesson to learn in that ride. Chances are if you had been in the moment, by just being, you would have had more information in order to have made different choices that would have led to a better ride. Let me share a couple quick stories.

Jack is a challenging one on occasion to ride away from the farm. He gets concerned quickly and gets overwhelmed. I have learned to listen from the moment I get him from the pasture to ride. I don't worry about the ride ( I generally know what to expect). I stay in each moment with Jack, allowing him to realize that I am fully here in each moment to support his needs. The moment I begin to wonder about the potential ride, he gets concerned. So I come right back to the present moment and just be with him. We calmly and mindfully go through the process of putting on tack. Some times I walk him out to the field to mount, other times I mount by the barn. What ever is best in each moment is what I do for him. During the ride I can feel his anxiety start to escalate. Instead of trying to force him to calm down. I simply get off. He looks at me as if he realizes that I heard him and relaxes when he knows I am here to support him and help him to feel safe. I usually re-mount and the ride is much smoother. If I were too busy worrying about what might happen or trying to force focus he would most likely blow up and leave me in the dirt.

Another example is Molly. Our ever vigilant, hyper-sensitive dog who goes over the top easily. When people come to the house, it is easy to get sucked into the trap of welcoming a guest apologizing for the dog and trying to get the dog to 'just calm down'. We get nervous or frustrated or embarrassed. This typically escalates the problem. What we do is welcome the guest, tell them we will be with them in a moment and make themselves comfortable. The whole time we are aware of Molly's needs and rewarding the correct behavior with treats and praise. We ask Molly to do a few simple things to bring her focus back to us and realize that she is safe and can relax. Again, we reward each try with treats and praise. Before long she has relaxed and is OK with a visitor. There is no more apologizing because we have been able to redirect her energy and our guests are informed that her needs come first. There is no frustration or embarrassment because we are tending to the need of the moment, which is Molly. When we start over thinking and worrying about the guest and forgetting about the dog, that is the more pressing matter here, we are not being fully present in the moment. The choices we can make in each moment will change the outcome for a more desired result.

To be able to just be is liberating. We don't judge, criticize, worry, fear, develop anxiety or nervousness. We just are and when we just are we are able to see the big picture and make clear, informed choices. Happiness abounds in each moment that we are able to just be.

Wow and I as worried that I wasn't sure I had anything to write. That is what is brilliant about letting go and being in each moment. I was able to just write and the words just flowed through me effortlessly. Super cool!

Muzzles and Hands- Day 8

As I sat watching Lady eat her morning meal I had this sudden awareness about how sensitive and communicative her muzzle was. I started to realize the parallels between a horse's muzzle and our hands. Let me explain.

Our hands let us experience so many things. Our first experience of holding hands when we reached out as an infant and grabbed mom's finger with our tiny little hand. We experienced the delight in playing with and smashing our food on our plates. Our hand let us open doors to new possibilities, drive cars to exciting destinations. Our hands communicate our needs through their actions. We connect with other beings through our hands. We shake hands upon greeting. We convey our anger, frustration, joy and love with our hands. We experience all sorts of things with our hands...typing, writing, riding horses, grooming horses, picking up manure, tending a wound, caressing a lover, cooking a meal, helping a friend, gardening, eating, throwing a ball, getting dressed, taking a shower, sweeping the floor, scrubbing a toilet, doing the laundry, saving a life.

The list goes on and on for the things we do and experience with our hands. They are like sensory receptors, they let us know so much about us and our environment. They are propelled by our Chi and our Chi is sustained by our breath. Without breath there is no life.

The muzzle of a horse is so much like our hands. The muzzle is where breath enters the body and gives them life. The muzzle allows them to find food. The muzzle is incredibly dexterous as it can pick through all the feed and only pick out the small savory morsels they want to eat. They can eat all their food and leave behind the tiny little pills we tried to hide in there to get them to eat without noticing. They nuzzle each other for comfort and encouragement. A foal experiences the wonders of his muzzle for the first time when he nurses from his mom. He learns all about his environment through is muzzle. It teaches him about prickly things, super soft things, tasty things, and icky things. They are able to exchange in mutual grooming, communicate softly with warm whispers, give a quick nip for correction. Their muzzles let us know if they are worried, relaxed, interested, or tense.

It is no wonder that people would want to communicate with a horse via contact with the muzzle, either through use of a bit or bitless. People innately want to reach out their hands and touch that velvety nose. People want to give and receive horsey kisses with their cherished companion. Horse reach to us with their muzzles to grab a zipper pull, check a pocket for a treat, or melt us with their sweet breath. Everytime we use a bit we should remember to gently communicate with each other. Communication is imperative to relationships. No one human or animal, wants the bear sting of poor communication. When I ride I want to not only feel the reins in my hands but also the energy that travels through my hands, down the reins, and to the mouth and conversely I want to feel the horse's physical connection to the bit, and the energy he sends to my hands through the reins. This exchange can happen with, bit, bitless, halter and lead rope, cordeo, or no tack at all.

Nothing energizes my spirit faster than a warm breath in my hair and a soft nuzzle to my hair. The soft return of energy is given back in that stroke of my hand on the neck and enveloping hug. That is bliss.

I am enough-Day 7

After spending some quality time with my herd, yet again, they reminded me that 'I am enough'. I don't need to impress anyone. I don't need to take on more than I can handle just to prove I can do it. I don't need to save every life in this world. I don't need to be anyone other than me. Who would I be if I weren't me anyways?

The decision to take on a new horse had left me very reflective and spending time with my herd always helps to clear things up. They let me see that I am perfect in just who I am. I am perfect with the family- four legged, two legged, and feathered. They all accept me for who I am. I don't need to pretend to be something I am not. I enjoy helping animals and providing the best I can for them. It is challenging to see a situation from other perspectives. Just because I have chosen to not take on this horse doesn't mean I am a failure, that I don't care, or that his life is doomed. I want what is best for him. More importantly I need to trust my intuition, and create and maintain healthy boundaries.

In knowing that I am enough I need to set healthy boundaries. I acknowledge the need to help others but also when to respect my needs in life. If I am constantly giving of myself while not respecting my own boundaries what does that leave me with? I want to be 100% for every being that I give to and I can't do that if I have over stepped my boundaries. Boundaries allow us to stay safe and evaluate the unknown from a place where we are confident and secure. As we grow we expand those boundaries, one step at a time. Busting blindly through boundaries can set us up for failure if we aren't ready for what is on the other side. Slowly allowing our boundaries to ebb and flow as necessary to allow us to grow in a safe space is rewarding and comfortable.

What does it mean 'to be enough'? To me it means that I am perfect in this moment, exactly where I am right now. It means I don't need anything else externally to feel good about myself, or to change my belief in myself to help others and make a positive difference. I am content with right where I am and I will get where ever I am going when ever I get there.

From my horses when I asked them if we should add another horse to the herd -"Aren't we enough?" Which got me thinking....Well.... yes, they are enough. I have said before there is very little that my horses can't help me learn when the time arrives for me to learn. They are diverse in their beings and abilities to communicate with me. If we are always looking for something more for where we are, are we ever truly satisfied with where we are? Probably not. Could I learn something new from a new horse? Absolutely. We can always learn. But right now, I am content with my herd and confident in our relationships that we have lots of learning yet to do. I am comfortable knowing that the lessons I am to learn will come to me when I and they(the lessons) are ready. For now, I just am...whatever that may be... and I am enough.