Anything to make my life easier is a plus in my book! I love cooking and experimenting but with all this new to me info it is daunting. I suppose it doesn't have to be daunting so I am going to come up with ways to make it exciting. Dancing and singing while cooking will ensue (honestly, this already happens!!)
Shawn and I sat down and created a menu for the week. We will shop for everything one time (hopefully saving us time and resources in less trips to the store). We will plan ahead and now that we both know what is on the menu and where the recipe is at, and everything we need is in the house, either of us can get dinner started at a decent hour. Then we can have leftovers for lunches!
I need to make this change as easy as possible for me. Less stress and feeling good is always the goal. So I am considering investing in a new kitchen tool. Who doesn't love new kitchen gadgets? I know I love them. The Vitamix Blender is looking to become a resident in my kitchen. I am hoping this makes food prep, smoothies, and everything else it can do a breeze. The company has been wonderful to talk with and they have provided me with so much information about their product and how useful I will find it in my everyday preparations.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
If it were easy everyone would do it!
Today didn't start off so well. Gluten free, egg free, dairy free pancakes were an epic failure! Shawn had to scrape me and my tears off the table. He said it would be alright and that I will learn so many more new things from this one failure. I am convinced he has no idea how brilliant he can be. Thank goodness I have this man in my life.
I should share with you what I foods I have to avoid for now (maybe forever). The gluten and egg thing is forever. Actually in just a little over a week of not eating gluten, a limited amount anyways, I have lost 7lbs and have more energy. I still hurt every day and I still have digestive upsets and a myriad of other symptoms but I know they will all fade away as I keep up with good eating habits.
Ok so for the list of what I can't have-
I should share with you what I foods I have to avoid for now (maybe forever). The gluten and egg thing is forever. Actually in just a little over a week of not eating gluten, a limited amount anyways, I have lost 7lbs and have more energy. I still hurt every day and I still have digestive upsets and a myriad of other symptoms but I know they will all fade away as I keep up with good eating habits.
Ok so for the list of what I can't have-
Almond Banana Barley Basil Bay leaf Blackberry Broccoli Cheese Cherry Chocolate Coffee Cranberry Cumin Egg Ginger Kamut Lemon Lettuce Cow Milk Nutmeg Paprika Pepper B/W Peppermint Rabbit Radish Rye Sesame Spelt Thyme Tomato Vanilla Black Walnut Wheat Yeast bakers Yeast brewers
But the list of what I can have is HUGE!! The options are limitless!
I know this doesn't seem like a big deal. There really are plenty of other things for me to eat. I have made some great healthy changes to my diet like substituting almond milk for dairy, whole grain breads, fresh produce. Then I find out that I shouldn't have almonds, several grains contain gluten, and I love basil on almost anything. So it feels awful that now I can't have those things and everything must change again. But a quick history of my eating habits will help you understand how far I have come.
Growing up I was a plain jane. It was a cheeseburger plain, hotdog plain, tacos with just meat and cheese. I was the classical meat and potatoes meal kinda gal. I ate plenty of sugary foods, and processed foods. In 2008 I moved in with Shawn, started recognizing how awful I felt and knew that I needed to change up my eating habits. That is when I first started seeing my acupuncturist. I cut out dairy, soy, egg, wheat, processed sugar for quite some time. I felt better but eventually I felt back into the habit of eating those foods. But in the last 6 years I have massively expanded my pallet. I enjoy plenty of flavors now and couldn't dream of going back to plain jane but I still love a plain hotdog!
However, there are so many foods that I haven't experienced prepared in a way that was satisfying to me or that I have just never tried. The idea of wasting food that is so expensive is just gut wrenching for me. It isn't about the money but the waste. So I see my psychotherapist to help me with how I feel about food, waste, and nourishment.
As my infinitely wise husband said just this morning "if it were easy everyone would do it". This is by far one of the most life changing and expansive things I have done. And it is scary as hell but my desire to feel juicy, nourished, and sexy as ever is worth way more than quitting or going back to the way I have felt for too long.
Food with a different focus
How does one shop for food that meets their dietary needs?
I have no idea!
This is all new to me. But I have learned a few things in just a few short days.
1. I need supportive people surrounding me.
2. Remember to make food choices that feel good
3. Be willing to explore to new ways of preparing food with new ingredients.
It has been only a few days since the bloodwork results showed me being gluten sensitive and other food sensitivities. The second day I was looking forward to the changes and find new foods to please my pallet and nourish my body, mind, and spirit. The third day was as if someone ripped the scab off a wound. I felt raw and fragile. I felt alone and had no idea where to turn for help.
I came home Friday and had yet another emotional breakdown. I start talking fast and everything that is on my mind comes out. Shawn just sat and listened to my rambling mess. He came over, hugged me and said we will figure this out. Together. And just like that I started to feel better. My friend, lover, and now dietary changes cheerleader was here for me. I was going to be ok. I need to take this one day at a time. Reminder- be gentle with myself.
Shawn looked up a few places that have specialty foods and gluten free items, mapped them out and set us on our way Saturday to explore this world through a different lens.
I have no idea!
This is all new to me. But I have learned a few things in just a few short days.
1. I need supportive people surrounding me.
2. Remember to make food choices that feel good
3. Be willing to explore to new ways of preparing food with new ingredients.
It has been only a few days since the bloodwork results showed me being gluten sensitive and other food sensitivities. The second day I was looking forward to the changes and find new foods to please my pallet and nourish my body, mind, and spirit. The third day was as if someone ripped the scab off a wound. I felt raw and fragile. I felt alone and had no idea where to turn for help.
I came home Friday and had yet another emotional breakdown. I start talking fast and everything that is on my mind comes out. Shawn just sat and listened to my rambling mess. He came over, hugged me and said we will figure this out. Together. And just like that I started to feel better. My friend, lover, and now dietary changes cheerleader was here for me. I was going to be ok. I need to take this one day at a time. Reminder- be gentle with myself.
Shawn looked up a few places that have specialty foods and gluten free items, mapped them out and set us on our way Saturday to explore this world through a different lens.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Lifestyle changes
Six weeks ago I hit overload and burnout. I got sick and had a bulging disk in my neck yet again. I was down and out for a week. Ugh. But I realized that I really needed to make some major changes to my life. I want to feel good and love what I do. I want to spend time with my husband and dogs camping and paddling. I want to ride more and spend more time my with horses. None of this was happening. I knew the burnout would come but I kept saying I am working on it. The Universe finally had a sit down chat with me and said "No, you are done. Fix this. Now." I said "Ok".
So from there I have let a few clients go as we were no longer on the same journey and we weren't helping each other. I got more clear about the work I want. I want to have relationships with my clients and their horses. I want to be a team member with the owners, veterinarians, chiropractors, body workers, and trainers. I want to help horses rehab and get going again. And I want to be accessible to as many people as possible and I want to make a living. Reality check. What I do for a living needs to support me! If I can support me I can help more horses and people. I want to educate. I want to share what I know. I can't possibly help everyone and their horse so I must share my knowledge. I want to empower owners to know more and make the best choices possible for their horses.
After (or before or in the middle of) all that I need to take care of me. If I don't take care of the one body I have I won't be of much help to others. I hurt every day and I don't want that to continue. I don't always get my quiet time to recharge because I am over worked (my choice because I want to help) and don't always know when to say 'no'. This is where "I am working on it" wasn't working because I wasn't really doing the things I really need to be doing for my body, mind and spirit.
So I got real with myself. I sat myself down and determined who I needed to start working with to support me on my journey. One of these people is my acupuncturist. She has recommended getting a food sensitivity blood panel. I figure at this point I have nothing left to lose and that I needed to start with what I nourish my body with.
Results are in and with a gluten intolerance that I was born with and will always have plus 32 other foods I am currently sensitive to. I don't know if these 32 foods I will always be sensitive to but this is at least a starting point. I have some big changes/ to make nutritionally.
I want to share my journey with all of you. This is a big change and a lifestyle change. If I can make these changes to feel better, anyone can! It will be overwhelming. It will be disheartening. It will be joyous. And it will feel fabulous and radiant!
One of my goals is to share the ups and downs and the things I learn along the way with all of you. Writing (or typing) is one of the great outlets for me and allows me to get info out and let go. The more I let go and let flow the healthier and more radiant I will feel.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
I feel good! Nah nah nah nah nah... I knew that I would!
Seems like a whirlwind of a time but yet it is moving slowly. So much has happened in just two short weeks. I had some interesting revelations in my last blog and since then so much has unfurled for me.
I spent a week consumed by everything hoof related. Tools, anatomy, lectures, brilliant professionals sharing their craft, shoes- composite, aluminum, copper alloy, steel to name a few, roundtable of info sharing, specific classrooms. My brain is reeling from all the intake. Not to mention after the nearly 12 hour days of learning there was networking at dinner and the bar. I may have stayed up a wee bit past my usually bedtime to have some really great conversations with people from all over the country.
I went into this week so aware of who I was and felt really exposed. It was a bit nerve wracking for me the first day or so (a cocktail or two may have helped the nerves). I slowly eased into conversations, found great strength from several amazing women and found my stride. Once that happened I was so at peace with who I was as a person and all the lessons I was learning. I found out what I want to feel in my life. I want to feel exhilarating, brilliant, sexy, professional, and connected, nourished, creative, and inspired.
I discovered the beginnings of how to embody the warrior in me and move with grace and ease. I realized how much I hold back in my everyday life for one ridiculous reason or another. That stopped last week. I am putting it all out there, as best I can. I am shedding the layers of fear, doubt, worry and having fun with life. I am feeling the way I want to feel and man does it feel GOOD!!
Nope, it isn't all blissful all the time. But the more I work on me and work towards what I want to feel in my life the easier all the dark stuff gets. It doesn't come up as often, it doesn't persist as long and moves through more easily. I am able to step back and 'see' the bigger picture and recognize the steps I can take and consciously take those steps back to where I want to feel. Which is to feel good!
I learned that getting off track is natural and essential to my growth. I learned that my feelings may look destructive, negative, or inappropriate but in my reality they are my expressions of something incredibly hopeful coming deep from within me. (I wish I could take credit for this paragraph but some of it comes from Danielle Laporte's Desire Map, but used my own words a bit too).
I leave you with this-
A really mature person cannot be serious, there is nothing to be serious about. The whole of life is fun, it is a play, a play of consciousness. And that's what meditation reveals to you- that the whole of life is a beautiful play of energy. ~Osho
I spent a week consumed by everything hoof related. Tools, anatomy, lectures, brilliant professionals sharing their craft, shoes- composite, aluminum, copper alloy, steel to name a few, roundtable of info sharing, specific classrooms. My brain is reeling from all the intake. Not to mention after the nearly 12 hour days of learning there was networking at dinner and the bar. I may have stayed up a wee bit past my usually bedtime to have some really great conversations with people from all over the country.
I went into this week so aware of who I was and felt really exposed. It was a bit nerve wracking for me the first day or so (a cocktail or two may have helped the nerves). I slowly eased into conversations, found great strength from several amazing women and found my stride. Once that happened I was so at peace with who I was as a person and all the lessons I was learning. I found out what I want to feel in my life. I want to feel exhilarating, brilliant, sexy, professional, and connected, nourished, creative, and inspired.
I discovered the beginnings of how to embody the warrior in me and move with grace and ease. I realized how much I hold back in my everyday life for one ridiculous reason or another. That stopped last week. I am putting it all out there, as best I can. I am shedding the layers of fear, doubt, worry and having fun with life. I am feeling the way I want to feel and man does it feel GOOD!!
Nope, it isn't all blissful all the time. But the more I work on me and work towards what I want to feel in my life the easier all the dark stuff gets. It doesn't come up as often, it doesn't persist as long and moves through more easily. I am able to step back and 'see' the bigger picture and recognize the steps I can take and consciously take those steps back to where I want to feel. Which is to feel good!
I learned that getting off track is natural and essential to my growth. I learned that my feelings may look destructive, negative, or inappropriate but in my reality they are my expressions of something incredibly hopeful coming deep from within me. (I wish I could take credit for this paragraph but some of it comes from Danielle Laporte's Desire Map, but used my own words a bit too).
I leave you with this-
A really mature person cannot be serious, there is nothing to be serious about. The whole of life is fun, it is a play, a play of consciousness. And that's what meditation reveals to you- that the whole of life is a beautiful play of energy. ~Osho
Sunday, January 26, 2014
I am going to mess everything up and I AM F***** AMAZING
I had that moment where I realized I wasn't mad at him but I was mad at myself. This was revolutionary for me. I was actually able to stop blaming him and see that the problem was within myself. I got mad because the very thing he was doing was the same thing I have done. I beat myself up when I do it and it drives me bat shit crazy when someone else does it. Instead of flying off the handle at him this time I was able to step back and look at the real root of the problem located within myself.
This shift in focus let me go deeper and explore myself. I realized how hard I am on myself. I realized that as much as I try I still fall back on old destructive habits. But not today!! Today I am taking steps to stop those destructive habits. They hurt my ability to really contribute authentically to this world and the world really needs me to show up.
What I am also learning ( I have known this for awhile but haven't been ready to really face the music) is that we all have unconscious baggage that we believe. It is what stops us from really becoming the amazing individuals that we are. We aren't always aware of it but it attracts us into certain situations in our life that keep repeating until we 'get it' and change our response to it. For me it was situations that I feel are unjust and make me angry. In the past I have reacted negatively by yelling or becoming physical, then it moved to not outwardly reacting but silently becoming enraged, and now I am able to fully recognize the pattern and choose to see that it is me that I can work on. I can change my response to be a positive one and really change the situation and not feel emotionally charged by it.
Yesterday morning after a particular incident that left me doubting my abilities and harshly judging myself. Shawn said "You are only human". Any other day I would have gotten irritated that he offered such an obvious conclusion but yesterday was different. I was really thankful he said that. It reminded me that I AM HUMAN. I am not perfect. I am going to mess everything up at some point, I am going to make mistakes and IT IS OK. Sheesh, why didn't I believe that it was ok to screw up and be less than perfect. I can actually ask for help now in a way that I am open to hearing. That is a lot of stress I am putting on myself- to be perfect and not screw up. NO one can do that, why did I think I should be different?
I realized that I am gifted in different ways than most people. I am brilliant, I am creative, detail oriented, and incredibly intuitive. What a gift! It is a gift to finally see and believe ( I hear people tell me and I say it but haven't, with every fiber of my being, believed it) in myself. It means I get to be real and honest with people; no more hiding behind a 'perfect person'. I get to have more conversations at work that are more in congruence with my beliefs and offer information that is accessible to more people. I can stop being my own worst critic and really show up to help support the people around me be at their best.
This post only scratches the surface of what I feel I have uncovered for myself. There were many lessons of forgiveness, acceptance, and love woven into my whole experience yesterday.
I am going to say this until I believe every last letter and energy of it- I AM F***** AMAZING
This shift in focus let me go deeper and explore myself. I realized how hard I am on myself. I realized that as much as I try I still fall back on old destructive habits. But not today!! Today I am taking steps to stop those destructive habits. They hurt my ability to really contribute authentically to this world and the world really needs me to show up.
What I am also learning ( I have known this for awhile but haven't been ready to really face the music) is that we all have unconscious baggage that we believe. It is what stops us from really becoming the amazing individuals that we are. We aren't always aware of it but it attracts us into certain situations in our life that keep repeating until we 'get it' and change our response to it. For me it was situations that I feel are unjust and make me angry. In the past I have reacted negatively by yelling or becoming physical, then it moved to not outwardly reacting but silently becoming enraged, and now I am able to fully recognize the pattern and choose to see that it is me that I can work on. I can change my response to be a positive one and really change the situation and not feel emotionally charged by it.
Yesterday morning after a particular incident that left me doubting my abilities and harshly judging myself. Shawn said "You are only human". Any other day I would have gotten irritated that he offered such an obvious conclusion but yesterday was different. I was really thankful he said that. It reminded me that I AM HUMAN. I am not perfect. I am going to mess everything up at some point, I am going to make mistakes and IT IS OK. Sheesh, why didn't I believe that it was ok to screw up and be less than perfect. I can actually ask for help now in a way that I am open to hearing. That is a lot of stress I am putting on myself- to be perfect and not screw up. NO one can do that, why did I think I should be different?
I realized that I am gifted in different ways than most people. I am brilliant, I am creative, detail oriented, and incredibly intuitive. What a gift! It is a gift to finally see and believe ( I hear people tell me and I say it but haven't, with every fiber of my being, believed it) in myself. It means I get to be real and honest with people; no more hiding behind a 'perfect person'. I get to have more conversations at work that are more in congruence with my beliefs and offer information that is accessible to more people. I can stop being my own worst critic and really show up to help support the people around me be at their best.
This post only scratches the surface of what I feel I have uncovered for myself. There were many lessons of forgiveness, acceptance, and love woven into my whole experience yesterday.
I am going to say this until I believe every last letter and energy of it- I AM F***** AMAZING
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Some things we can't fix
I am a fixer. I enjoy problem solving and sifting through the endless possibilities of solutions to a problem. I enjoy helping people and animals feel better mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I really enjoy the process. I enjoy researching, reading, taking classes from fine tuning my psychic abilities to equine anatomy and everything in between. The more I learn the more I can share.
As a fixer I feel there is an undercurrent of control. That somehow in fixing a problem I am in control of the situation or myself. There really is nothing in the world that I can control other than me and my reactions to the world around me. Sure I can influence outcomes but I am not controlling them. But my default is still to fix.
What is even more challenging for a fixer is to be presented with a situation that feels like it is falling apart and there is nothing, nothing you can do to fix it. You feel like you are falling apart and the world may collapse around you at any moment.
Can we or do we ever fix anything? Are things going to play out just as they were intended to regardless of our input?
The last few years with Lady have been some of the most challenging and beautiful. Her body is aging and breaking down. I sense that in the all the time we have had our time is drawing to a close. We are at the end stages of our journey together.
A couple days ago I had to trim her. She was a little overdue since I was unable to trim her when she was at the worst stages of dealing with EPM(Equine Protozoa Myeloencephalytis). These protozoa attached to her spinal cord and wreck havoc on her nervous system. The inflammation and surrounding tissue death cause lack of coordination, muscle atrophy, and weakness. It is treatable but it is a long journey to recovery.
Her trim was anything but easy. She has been more difficult to do in recent years due to her advancing arthritis but this EPM has taken a toll on her body. Though we have been treating her she still lacks the proper proprioception to stand balanced on three legs while I trim. On top of this, her hind feet had shifted a bit negatively due to her strange loading pattern and the wet weather. I am crushed. I am afraid to trim her because I don't trust her body to not hurt me. She would never intentionally hurt me but without being able to control her body well, it is dangerous to trim her. I am afraid to trim her because I don't want to hurt her. My best friend and sole mate's body is decaying and I know that our time together is coming to a close. I start sobbing as I finish up her trim. I am so in love with this horse and I have done and will do anything for her and this is something I can't fix.
With life comes death and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I don't want to but I am not ready to lose her just yet and thankfully she isn't ready to go yet. My brain rolls over the myriad of ways I can help support her and keep her comfortable till that inevitable day comes. I run through the thousand questions of why and how.
I have been emotional about this for the last two days and cry at just the thought of her body struggling and her leaving. It feels like I am mourning her loss but she is still here. It is a strange feeling. I wonder why bodies have to experience pain and breakdown. Can't we just age and die in peace, free from pain. I do wonder how I can fix this too but alas it can't be fixed.
I know that when the time comes for her to go that I will have gone through everything I needed to go through so that I can be fully present for her at the time of her transition. There will be no regrets, no coulda, shoulda, woulda's. And I also know that because of having her in my life I will be OK when she is gone. I am ok now but I have no idea how I will do this when she is gone. As my friend said "why give a child a binky when you know you will take away from her one day?" What is the point?
I think the point is that we came together to experience something that is so incredible and divine. There is no love in this world like ours. I would not be who I am today if she were not in my life. I think it is because we have been together I am stronger, braver, wiser, clearer than I have ever been. She has lived a life that horses dream of. She is a child's first horse, first love, first trail ride, first show, shoulder to cry on during heartbreak and joyful beginnings. She will mostly likely be the first horse to transition and she will be the source of strength to help me keep moving forward without her by my side in physical-ness.
The real beauty in this, is that she is never really gone. She will always be with me in spirit and by my side. I can always call on her no matter where we are in time.
In the meantime I am going to continue to wipe up my tears and blow my snotty nose and know that I can't fix this. This time I have to trust in the Grand Plan and that all is well in the world exactly the way it is and will continue to unfold.
I was going to finish with the last paragraph but I had a conversation with Lady that was very insightful and felt I should share this information too. As she is as much a part of this as I am.
"Lady, can you tell me about what you are experiencing? Can you help me understand this because I am really having a hard time?"
"This is supposed to happen. I am closer to the end than the beginning. I hurt but I don't suffer. I still need you to support me. The body is supposed to breakdown and die. It is during this process that I go inward and prepare for the transition and life after Earth. We here to experience all that life has to offer. In the youthful body it is all about going, doing, taking it all in. In my older body, it is about reflection, preparation, tuning in with my spirit for the transition."
It was such a relief to talk with her. She is a wise soul and always knows how to calm me. She is not going to die anytime soon and I will enjoy everything single moment that I share with her.
As a fixer I feel there is an undercurrent of control. That somehow in fixing a problem I am in control of the situation or myself. There really is nothing in the world that I can control other than me and my reactions to the world around me. Sure I can influence outcomes but I am not controlling them. But my default is still to fix.
What is even more challenging for a fixer is to be presented with a situation that feels like it is falling apart and there is nothing, nothing you can do to fix it. You feel like you are falling apart and the world may collapse around you at any moment.
Can we or do we ever fix anything? Are things going to play out just as they were intended to regardless of our input?
The last few years with Lady have been some of the most challenging and beautiful. Her body is aging and breaking down. I sense that in the all the time we have had our time is drawing to a close. We are at the end stages of our journey together.
A couple days ago I had to trim her. She was a little overdue since I was unable to trim her when she was at the worst stages of dealing with EPM(Equine Protozoa Myeloencephalytis). These protozoa attached to her spinal cord and wreck havoc on her nervous system. The inflammation and surrounding tissue death cause lack of coordination, muscle atrophy, and weakness. It is treatable but it is a long journey to recovery.
Her trim was anything but easy. She has been more difficult to do in recent years due to her advancing arthritis but this EPM has taken a toll on her body. Though we have been treating her she still lacks the proper proprioception to stand balanced on three legs while I trim. On top of this, her hind feet had shifted a bit negatively due to her strange loading pattern and the wet weather. I am crushed. I am afraid to trim her because I don't trust her body to not hurt me. She would never intentionally hurt me but without being able to control her body well, it is dangerous to trim her. I am afraid to trim her because I don't want to hurt her. My best friend and sole mate's body is decaying and I know that our time together is coming to a close. I start sobbing as I finish up her trim. I am so in love with this horse and I have done and will do anything for her and this is something I can't fix.
With life comes death and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I don't want to but I am not ready to lose her just yet and thankfully she isn't ready to go yet. My brain rolls over the myriad of ways I can help support her and keep her comfortable till that inevitable day comes. I run through the thousand questions of why and how.
I have been emotional about this for the last two days and cry at just the thought of her body struggling and her leaving. It feels like I am mourning her loss but she is still here. It is a strange feeling. I wonder why bodies have to experience pain and breakdown. Can't we just age and die in peace, free from pain. I do wonder how I can fix this too but alas it can't be fixed.
I know that when the time comes for her to go that I will have gone through everything I needed to go through so that I can be fully present for her at the time of her transition. There will be no regrets, no coulda, shoulda, woulda's. And I also know that because of having her in my life I will be OK when she is gone. I am ok now but I have no idea how I will do this when she is gone. As my friend said "why give a child a binky when you know you will take away from her one day?" What is the point?
I think the point is that we came together to experience something that is so incredible and divine. There is no love in this world like ours. I would not be who I am today if she were not in my life. I think it is because we have been together I am stronger, braver, wiser, clearer than I have ever been. She has lived a life that horses dream of. She is a child's first horse, first love, first trail ride, first show, shoulder to cry on during heartbreak and joyful beginnings. She will mostly likely be the first horse to transition and she will be the source of strength to help me keep moving forward without her by my side in physical-ness.
The real beauty in this, is that she is never really gone. She will always be with me in spirit and by my side. I can always call on her no matter where we are in time.
In the meantime I am going to continue to wipe up my tears and blow my snotty nose and know that I can't fix this. This time I have to trust in the Grand Plan and that all is well in the world exactly the way it is and will continue to unfold.
I was going to finish with the last paragraph but I had a conversation with Lady that was very insightful and felt I should share this information too. As she is as much a part of this as I am.
"Lady, can you tell me about what you are experiencing? Can you help me understand this because I am really having a hard time?"
"This is supposed to happen. I am closer to the end than the beginning. I hurt but I don't suffer. I still need you to support me. The body is supposed to breakdown and die. It is during this process that I go inward and prepare for the transition and life after Earth. We here to experience all that life has to offer. In the youthful body it is all about going, doing, taking it all in. In my older body, it is about reflection, preparation, tuning in with my spirit for the transition."
It was such a relief to talk with her. She is a wise soul and always knows how to calm me. She is not going to die anytime soon and I will enjoy everything single moment that I share with her.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Being me
I know one thing in life and that is that change is inevitable. I haven't always enjoyed change and preferred things to stay consistent, there is a sort of feeling of control in consistency. The more I tried to keep from changing, the more I realized that is impossible. And that there really is no control. I can't control anything other than how I feel and the decisions I make. I can't control others actions or feelings. I can impact them with my choices but I can't control them.
One thing I can do is live as authentically as possible and share my truth with others. Sounds easy, right? Well, as I am finding out it can be one of the most challenging and rewarding things ever. For me to live authentically means that I am not part of the status quo, that I have a neutral understanding of many situations, that I may not be part of the 'in crowd', that I may feel a certain separateness from people and still feel more connected than ever. It means that I have a commitment to being me no matter how much it can feel uncomfortable because being me is way better than anything else. Being me means that I get to share my story in my own unique way. Being me means that I can feel much of what is going on around me and currently not always knowing how to handle it.
I am on a journey of self discovery to become even more congruent in my life. When I am congruent I get to share more of my own authenticity and truth with others. That makes me a valuable part of this world. I don't always know how I am going to be of value to people to help them on their own journey. I do know that the more I follow my own light and truth the more I am able to be authentic and just doing that is how I will be able to help people.
That is why I am doing the Desire Map and the Fire Starter Sessions. I want to get in touch with my core desires and live my life in a way that feels good. It isn't about the goals I set but about how they feel and how the journey feels getting there.
A few nights ago I was trying to plan out the evening. Shawn was just getting home from a rescue call and I was just finishing up evening chores. It was -18 degrees and even colder wind chills. Our plans to keep dinner simple to just get pizza was not going well. Everything was closed due to the extreme cold. We finally figure we will just have to thaw something and it will be a late dinner. As that was decided Shawn was paged out yet again for a rescue call. I was on my own for dinner.
Instead of getting to making dinner, I found myself scattered around the house. I was snuggling with Nora, changing into comfy clothes, chopping some veggies for dinner, turning on the TV to watch The Bachelor, scratching on the dogs, chopping more veggies. I couldn't follow a single thing to completion and was all over the place. I actually find myself in this place more often than I realize. I also find that I like that sense of control and order too. But want is even more interesting is that both of these are different sides of the same coin.
For the first time, I realized that I actually feel free when I can bounce around and be scattered. The need to set structure and order can cause me to get anxious and overwhelmed. There are certainly times that I am structured and orderly as when I am working. I spend most of my day in a way that is organized and structured, from the way I scheduled my day to the trimming of each hoof. So when I get home the last thing I want is to have things structured. I really relish the ability to roll with the flow and bounce around as I feel like.
I want people to see me like I am organized, got it together, awesome, inspirational, etc. What I realized is that those are all external to me and it doesn't need to matter to me what other people think of me. I personally want to feel something different. And I don't have to compare myself to others. I need to be just exactly as I am because that is perfect and the world needs me to be just who I am to shine my own light. So being aware of these two opposing states and yet the same has granted me new clarity in my life. This clarity will allow me to find the path in either direction to feel connected, creative, nourished and inspired. I don't feel the need to have to make a path to great order or to carefree living. Instead I can do both as they each serve me. I can be free to chose which ever makes me feel good.
"In seeking our freedom, we liberate our potential to accomplish incredible things." Danielle LaPorte.
One thing I can do is live as authentically as possible and share my truth with others. Sounds easy, right? Well, as I am finding out it can be one of the most challenging and rewarding things ever. For me to live authentically means that I am not part of the status quo, that I have a neutral understanding of many situations, that I may not be part of the 'in crowd', that I may feel a certain separateness from people and still feel more connected than ever. It means that I have a commitment to being me no matter how much it can feel uncomfortable because being me is way better than anything else. Being me means that I get to share my story in my own unique way. Being me means that I can feel much of what is going on around me and currently not always knowing how to handle it.
I am on a journey of self discovery to become even more congruent in my life. When I am congruent I get to share more of my own authenticity and truth with others. That makes me a valuable part of this world. I don't always know how I am going to be of value to people to help them on their own journey. I do know that the more I follow my own light and truth the more I am able to be authentic and just doing that is how I will be able to help people.
That is why I am doing the Desire Map and the Fire Starter Sessions. I want to get in touch with my core desires and live my life in a way that feels good. It isn't about the goals I set but about how they feel and how the journey feels getting there.
A few nights ago I was trying to plan out the evening. Shawn was just getting home from a rescue call and I was just finishing up evening chores. It was -18 degrees and even colder wind chills. Our plans to keep dinner simple to just get pizza was not going well. Everything was closed due to the extreme cold. We finally figure we will just have to thaw something and it will be a late dinner. As that was decided Shawn was paged out yet again for a rescue call. I was on my own for dinner.
Instead of getting to making dinner, I found myself scattered around the house. I was snuggling with Nora, changing into comfy clothes, chopping some veggies for dinner, turning on the TV to watch The Bachelor, scratching on the dogs, chopping more veggies. I couldn't follow a single thing to completion and was all over the place. I actually find myself in this place more often than I realize. I also find that I like that sense of control and order too. But want is even more interesting is that both of these are different sides of the same coin.
For the first time, I realized that I actually feel free when I can bounce around and be scattered. The need to set structure and order can cause me to get anxious and overwhelmed. There are certainly times that I am structured and orderly as when I am working. I spend most of my day in a way that is organized and structured, from the way I scheduled my day to the trimming of each hoof. So when I get home the last thing I want is to have things structured. I really relish the ability to roll with the flow and bounce around as I feel like.
I want people to see me like I am organized, got it together, awesome, inspirational, etc. What I realized is that those are all external to me and it doesn't need to matter to me what other people think of me. I personally want to feel something different. And I don't have to compare myself to others. I need to be just exactly as I am because that is perfect and the world needs me to be just who I am to shine my own light. So being aware of these two opposing states and yet the same has granted me new clarity in my life. This clarity will allow me to find the path in either direction to feel connected, creative, nourished and inspired. I don't feel the need to have to make a path to great order or to carefree living. Instead I can do both as they each serve me. I can be free to chose which ever makes me feel good.
"In seeking our freedom, we liberate our potential to accomplish incredible things." Danielle LaPorte.
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