I can feel it creeping up. I can't seem stop it. Control. I want everything to be just so and how I want it. The truth is that there really is no control. It is all false. It is something our ego creates to make us feel safe, to have a purpose, and that we are 'under control'. More like under a spell. The spell of control makes us think we are under control and that we have things under control. How silly is this? I waste time trying to control how the day will work out by planning it all out. Then something happens and that schedule no longer works. I scramble to get the schedule figured out again only to get stressed that nothing is going according to plan. What if we just rolled with the flow and threw control out the proverbial window?
Well I am throwing control out the window. Yes, sometimes it still manages to hold on by it's sticky little finger. I actually have physical pain in my body from trying so hard to control everything. No, I am not a control freak but I think I used to be. I think I more internalized the control and drove myself nuts. I actually don't want to be in control. I want something Higher than me to take control and let me just ride the wave.
A few things happened this week to really help me get the feeling of losing that control and how it feels good to lose control. I lost an important keepsake. I was worried and upset about it's loss. I tried everything I could to find it but to no avail. There was an element of control about wanting it back. It was mine, I payed for it, it was made specially for me, and I think it is pretty and I want it back. When I was able to truly let go trying to find it and acknowledge that it is still energetically connected to me and it is serving a greater purpose somewhere else, I was reunited with it. I was elated. I can't begin do describe the feelings that came when it came back. I feel like I had found a long lost and very much cherished friend. Letting go was pivotal for it to come back into my physical life.
I take part in a meditation class hosted by Asia Voight. I have a history of struggling to meditate. My conscious mind wants to take control of everything and fill my head with constant endless thoughts that have nothing to do with the meditation at hand and I can't seem to get my brain to quiet and stop controlling the conversation. Sigh...... In the past, when I meditate I have gotten severe headaches, dizziness, and then frustration that I can't control my brain enough to shut it up for 5 minutes. It is a work in progress, let me tell you. This was the fourth class with Asia and she has different speakers each week that have their own tips and insights into meditation. Week one was the hardest but each following week it has gotten easier and easier. Last night was a break through night! Vincent Genna is gifted and led a beautiful meditation in which I was able to stay nearly 100% on track with the meditation. My mind didn't do any wandering and I didn't experience any headaches or dizziness. It was such a relief and release. I was so appreciative of the chance to really let go of control, trust the meditation, and just follow. It was divine.
One last occurrence that I will share to further help you see my dilemma with control and throwing it out the window. As a trimmer I work a lot with my hands, wrists, and arms. They bear the brunt of almost everything. I have to hold onto moving horses, nip through rock hard hooves, hold slippery wet hooves, you name it I do it. The times when horses are moving around and pulling their hooves away is when I feel my wrists start to become painful. It feels like inflammation and repetitive use trauma. I grip to hold onto the hoof when the horse starts moving. It is almost a subconscious action to try to control the horse by gripping harder on the hoof or leg. Which is ridiculous, I might add. In no way am I, a 125 pound strong woman, going to control a 1,000 pound massive horse with my hand on his hoof. Just not going to happen. I had this little moment of 'ah-ha' yesterday when a horse starting dinking around while I was trimming. I went to grip the hoof to hang on to control him (silly, I know), I felt the pain creep into my hand. This time I stopped. I put the hoof down and stretched my wrist and realized what I was doing. I was trying to CONTROL the situation. I allowed my hand to relax and release it from having to control this horse. I allowed soft energy to travel all the way through my arm, into my wrist, fill my hand and go out my fingers. This gave the so-called control somewhere to go and let it know that control was no longer going to work here. My wrist immediately stopped hurting. There was no aching afterwards and no continued pain on the drive home. It was sooo cool and such a relief.
These are wonderful examples for me to remember when I think about how control tries to control my life. They are a testament to throwing control out that proverbial window and coming back to my being so that I may live a fuller life with out the constraints of control. It is a freeing experience. It is one that I continue to keep working with and prying that sticky little finger off the window once and for all.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Crying My Heart Out- Day 20
Have you ever shook a bottle of pop with the lid on? And I mean really shook it so that you can feel the pressure push out on the bottle. Then....open the lid? That is what it felt like for me. The lid finally blew off. I spewed tears all over me, the horses, my shirt, my jacket. I cried my heart for as long as I felt I needed to. I sobbed through all the pain, frustration, feelings of lacking, anger, sadness, and loneliness. I was with the horses when I really let go and let it all out there. I talked it out with them. I let them know everything that I was feeling as it came up. I asked why, I asked for help, I wondered about my life journey. I told them I am done. I am done. I am done trying to be perfect. I am done trying to control. I am done feeling like I am all alone. I am done doing it all by myself. I am done feeling like I am not good enough. I am done, done and done.
I knew in those moments of streaming tears and snotty nose that there was nothing I could do, nothing I needed to change. I was actually happy to just release everything I was feeling...finally. I hold so much in to build that facade that I am under control. I am not under control. I am an emotional being that has ups and downs. Those are normal and should be experienced. I hate the feeling that I may be reeling out of emotional control. Society has shaped us to be unfeeling automatons. We automatically stuff our deepest fears, ignore them, squelch our need to express our emotions all because society can't handle it and require us to maintain composure. All for what? So that we can suffer silently in our pain, fear, anger, frustration. That is just not what I want.
I can't control anything any more than you can. We can make choices but those choices are given to us by God (thanks Mom). I am giving up my false control to Him. I want to let Spirit guide me and I want to trust myself to make the 'right', whatever 'right' that may be, decisions in each moment. I want to express my Authentic Self's desires and not succumb to the False Self. False Self is that fear we are not good enough, the doubt that we know enough, the anger that we express, the frustration that we feel. False Self says "who are you to be better, that you know enough to make a difference in the world" It wants to crush us and keep us on a leash. And it will if we let it. Well, I am done. I have cried. I am released and I have realized who I really am.
I am Authentic. I am exactly where I should be in my life. I am 26 years old and feel light years ahead. I don't know how I intuitively know things or how I see images that I do but I do. I don't know exactly how I will impact this world. I do know I am here for the horse. I do know that I am paving a unique path in they way hooves are considered. I have an incredible amount of learned knowledge and that much more intuitive knowledge. I change lives. I am making a difference in the world. I am helping horses live happier and healthier. I am helping people learn about their journey and how in dynamically changing our relationships with horses we can access our Higher Self. I understand we are all on our own journey. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes and I will judge. I can only forgive myself and find compassion for those mistakes and judgements. I have a voice that can be heard. I know that I will connect with the people and animals in my life as I am supposed to. I am contributing to other people's journey as they are contributing to mine even in unexpected ways.
I am done 'just trimming'. That no longer feels good to me. I won't just come trim your horse without realizing that each horse has individual needs and they deserve to have those needs to be understood and met. I want each trim to be a timeless connection for that horse. Each horse will receive the very best of me. It is about quality and not quantity. I am listening and I want you to know you will be heard. I don't trim for the sake of the job. I trim for the horse. To make his/her life a little more comfortable and joyful. I trim so that they can connect better to the Earth. I trim so that they may have a 'Sole to Soul Connection' with me and other beings. I provide a trim so that they may grow a healthy, supportive, and balanced hoof. For me, the hoof is the doorway to new worlds and new beginnings. They each tell a story. That story is one of time, hope, love, trust, acceptance, and understanding.
These are rapidly changing times. I am here. Where ever that 'here' may be. This is me pouring my heart out so that my voice is heard. Going forward I want to give myself permission to cry my heart out whenever I need to so that I can release and move to a place of better clarity and love.
I knew in those moments of streaming tears and snotty nose that there was nothing I could do, nothing I needed to change. I was actually happy to just release everything I was feeling...finally. I hold so much in to build that facade that I am under control. I am not under control. I am an emotional being that has ups and downs. Those are normal and should be experienced. I hate the feeling that I may be reeling out of emotional control. Society has shaped us to be unfeeling automatons. We automatically stuff our deepest fears, ignore them, squelch our need to express our emotions all because society can't handle it and require us to maintain composure. All for what? So that we can suffer silently in our pain, fear, anger, frustration. That is just not what I want.
I can't control anything any more than you can. We can make choices but those choices are given to us by God (thanks Mom). I am giving up my false control to Him. I want to let Spirit guide me and I want to trust myself to make the 'right', whatever 'right' that may be, decisions in each moment. I want to express my Authentic Self's desires and not succumb to the False Self. False Self is that fear we are not good enough, the doubt that we know enough, the anger that we express, the frustration that we feel. False Self says "who are you to be better, that you know enough to make a difference in the world" It wants to crush us and keep us on a leash. And it will if we let it. Well, I am done. I have cried. I am released and I have realized who I really am.
I am Authentic. I am exactly where I should be in my life. I am 26 years old and feel light years ahead. I don't know how I intuitively know things or how I see images that I do but I do. I don't know exactly how I will impact this world. I do know I am here for the horse. I do know that I am paving a unique path in they way hooves are considered. I have an incredible amount of learned knowledge and that much more intuitive knowledge. I change lives. I am making a difference in the world. I am helping horses live happier and healthier. I am helping people learn about their journey and how in dynamically changing our relationships with horses we can access our Higher Self. I understand we are all on our own journey. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes and I will judge. I can only forgive myself and find compassion for those mistakes and judgements. I have a voice that can be heard. I know that I will connect with the people and animals in my life as I am supposed to. I am contributing to other people's journey as they are contributing to mine even in unexpected ways.
I am done 'just trimming'. That no longer feels good to me. I won't just come trim your horse without realizing that each horse has individual needs and they deserve to have those needs to be understood and met. I want each trim to be a timeless connection for that horse. Each horse will receive the very best of me. It is about quality and not quantity. I am listening and I want you to know you will be heard. I don't trim for the sake of the job. I trim for the horse. To make his/her life a little more comfortable and joyful. I trim so that they can connect better to the Earth. I trim so that they may have a 'Sole to Soul Connection' with me and other beings. I provide a trim so that they may grow a healthy, supportive, and balanced hoof. For me, the hoof is the doorway to new worlds and new beginnings. They each tell a story. That story is one of time, hope, love, trust, acceptance, and understanding.
These are rapidly changing times. I am here. Where ever that 'here' may be. This is me pouring my heart out so that my voice is heard. Going forward I want to give myself permission to cry my heart out whenever I need to so that I can release and move to a place of better clarity and love.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Hunger, Learning, Awareness, Hope- Day 16, 17, 18, and 19
I have been out of town for a few days with no computer handy to write daily. It is actually refreshing to not have access to electronics for the couple days I was gone. It was a jam packed couple days. Shawn came with me and made the 6ish hour drive not so lonely. Lots of horses got trimmed and Shawn went cross country skiing.
Hunger-
What is hunger? Hunger tells us we need to eat food to survive. Without food to nourish our physical body we can't survive. Our cells need the nourishment from nature to continue to function and thrive.
Hunger also compels us to move forward in life. Hunger is what is needed to make a change, a choice, and to put one foot in front of the other. We hunger for life. We hunger for love, for fulfillment. Hunger drives us to learn more about ourselves. It is the push we need to take our first steps. We hunger for mobility. Hunger encourages us to speak our first words. We want to communicate with others.
Hunger is what helps us to make friends because we yearn to be social, feel acceptance, and feel like we belong. Hunger pushes us out the door when we the time comes to move away from Mom and Dad. We want Independence and our own identity.
We hunger for that soul-filling relationship with horses. We are driven on a search for true partnership with our horses. Horses help shape our hungers in life. They allow our hunger to shape who we are without judgement. We can learn more about our true hungers in life by reflecting on what the horses' hunger for.
Horses hunger for survival, individuality, relationship, and cooperation as a herd. They live for each other so that they each can survive and live fully to their own potential within the herd.
It is through our relationships with horses that we can hunger for true things in life. Hunger is not filled by jealousy, envy, spite, competition, anger, or self-righteousness.
We are only satiated when we feed our soul's hunger and live our purpose in each moment.
Learning-
There are times we are consciously aware of what we are learning and there are so many for occasions where we are subconsciously learning. As I went through the horses I trimmed today I began to feel and realize that they were teaching me and I wasn't aware of it in the moment.
Feather is a brilliant healer for those that need her and for herself. She can take care of herself and needs no pity from anyone. She is one tough chick. She has one of the worst coffin bone rotations I have worked with to date. Yet she is feisty and gallops through the snow. She has shown me what it means to not succumb to a 'dis-ease' and rise above the seemingly impossible. She is healing and will continue to improve. I couldn't ask for a better teacher to help guide me through her trimming. She is so brave and strong- it is those qualities that I needed to make that first nip through the toe to bring her break over back. It is scary! I fear the worst. I know that Feather trusts me and supports my ability to help her heal. After her trim she was sooo much more comfortable. She marched right off without her boots and was ready to do play in the snow and find whatever tid bits of hay she could. Moments like that make me want to cry in relief and in joy. I am so thankful for her wisdom and support so that I can do my very best for her.
Ike used to scare the hell out of me. He made me nervous and unsure. He has taught me very quickly to set healthy boundaries with him and others. He has shown me time and time again how to relax and connect with him to keep him safe and comfortable. His past has led him to be a bit unpredictable due to chronic pain. For me, unpredictability scares me. I like control and to know how everything is going to play out. Ike shows me every time I work with him that there is no control and I don't need to know how everything is going to work. He has never once hurt me or put me in a position to feel unsafe. Amazing. He shows me what he needs to feel comfortable and supported. When I can support him he willingly supports me and keeps me safe. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this to think how far our relationship has come. There have been trims that have been incomplete or he has not trimmed at all but each and every time it has been a profound learning experience for me, him, and his owner. He has taught me to let go of the attachment to HAVE TO get him trimmed every time I am there. It is far more important for me to nurture the relationship that we have so we can have a safe, healing, and comfortable place for trimming to occur. I love Ike, he is my bud and teacher.
I could go on all day about everything this group of horses has taught me. It is wonderful to be able to feel safe, support, loved, and appreciated by these horses and their owner. Every visit is subtly profound. It is in environments like this that I can truly give everything I have back to the horse and interact with them in a way that is healing, supportive, and loving for them. I couldn't be more thankful for the learning opportunities that I am consciously aware of and the more subconscious ones that I become aware of later in reflection.
Awareness-
These last few days I became more aware of changes to belief system. I am aware that my needs in life have shifted. I have slowed down. I am more meaningful in my actions and words. I am aware that I still doubt my abilities. I am aware that I am imperfectly perfect. This is my journey and it will always be filled with learning and growth. On my journey I am blessed with wonderful teachers and guides from this physical life and beyond. They all are there exactly when I need them and always provide messages for me exactly when they need to be heard. Sometimes it isn't until I reflect on all the changes I have been through that I realize how far I have come, how far I have to go, and how it is perfect right where I am. I realize I don't need to be so hard on myself and that I am my most harsh critic but sometimes this is what drives me to learn more and be my best in what I am.
Hope-
It is with frustration that this is written but in hope that things do change. I know what I want and I get frustrated that I don't have it yet. I know how I want things done and I get frustrated when they are not done that way. I know how animals should be treated and I get beyond frustrated when I know they are treated poorly. It is in hope that I find peace that those people are on their own journey and they will experience what they are supposed to. I am not to judge them but find compassion for them. I hope they will one day be enlightened to their actions and want to make a change. Just as the horses are here to support me and teach me, there are plenty of animals world wide that are teaching us every day and just waiting for someone to have their own 'ah-ha' moment when they finally hear the message. Overcoming my negative thoughts will allow me to leap over those hurdles I am faced with. I will have a renewed sense of hope when I believe in my individual capabilities. I do not need to worry about anyone else's journey or what they think of mine. I only need to be on my journey. Any energy I give to someone else's journey just takes away that needed energy to support my journey.
I deserve all that energy to be focused on the compassion, love, and growth in my journey.
Hunger-
What is hunger? Hunger tells us we need to eat food to survive. Without food to nourish our physical body we can't survive. Our cells need the nourishment from nature to continue to function and thrive.
Hunger also compels us to move forward in life. Hunger is what is needed to make a change, a choice, and to put one foot in front of the other. We hunger for life. We hunger for love, for fulfillment. Hunger drives us to learn more about ourselves. It is the push we need to take our first steps. We hunger for mobility. Hunger encourages us to speak our first words. We want to communicate with others.
Hunger is what helps us to make friends because we yearn to be social, feel acceptance, and feel like we belong. Hunger pushes us out the door when we the time comes to move away from Mom and Dad. We want Independence and our own identity.
We hunger for that soul-filling relationship with horses. We are driven on a search for true partnership with our horses. Horses help shape our hungers in life. They allow our hunger to shape who we are without judgement. We can learn more about our true hungers in life by reflecting on what the horses' hunger for.
Horses hunger for survival, individuality, relationship, and cooperation as a herd. They live for each other so that they each can survive and live fully to their own potential within the herd.
It is through our relationships with horses that we can hunger for true things in life. Hunger is not filled by jealousy, envy, spite, competition, anger, or self-righteousness.
We are only satiated when we feed our soul's hunger and live our purpose in each moment.
Learning-
There are times we are consciously aware of what we are learning and there are so many for occasions where we are subconsciously learning. As I went through the horses I trimmed today I began to feel and realize that they were teaching me and I wasn't aware of it in the moment.
Feather is a brilliant healer for those that need her and for herself. She can take care of herself and needs no pity from anyone. She is one tough chick. She has one of the worst coffin bone rotations I have worked with to date. Yet she is feisty and gallops through the snow. She has shown me what it means to not succumb to a 'dis-ease' and rise above the seemingly impossible. She is healing and will continue to improve. I couldn't ask for a better teacher to help guide me through her trimming. She is so brave and strong- it is those qualities that I needed to make that first nip through the toe to bring her break over back. It is scary! I fear the worst. I know that Feather trusts me and supports my ability to help her heal. After her trim she was sooo much more comfortable. She marched right off without her boots and was ready to do play in the snow and find whatever tid bits of hay she could. Moments like that make me want to cry in relief and in joy. I am so thankful for her wisdom and support so that I can do my very best for her.
Ike used to scare the hell out of me. He made me nervous and unsure. He has taught me very quickly to set healthy boundaries with him and others. He has shown me time and time again how to relax and connect with him to keep him safe and comfortable. His past has led him to be a bit unpredictable due to chronic pain. For me, unpredictability scares me. I like control and to know how everything is going to play out. Ike shows me every time I work with him that there is no control and I don't need to know how everything is going to work. He has never once hurt me or put me in a position to feel unsafe. Amazing. He shows me what he needs to feel comfortable and supported. When I can support him he willingly supports me and keeps me safe. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this to think how far our relationship has come. There have been trims that have been incomplete or he has not trimmed at all but each and every time it has been a profound learning experience for me, him, and his owner. He has taught me to let go of the attachment to HAVE TO get him trimmed every time I am there. It is far more important for me to nurture the relationship that we have so we can have a safe, healing, and comfortable place for trimming to occur. I love Ike, he is my bud and teacher.
I could go on all day about everything this group of horses has taught me. It is wonderful to be able to feel safe, support, loved, and appreciated by these horses and their owner. Every visit is subtly profound. It is in environments like this that I can truly give everything I have back to the horse and interact with them in a way that is healing, supportive, and loving for them. I couldn't be more thankful for the learning opportunities that I am consciously aware of and the more subconscious ones that I become aware of later in reflection.
Awareness-
These last few days I became more aware of changes to belief system. I am aware that my needs in life have shifted. I have slowed down. I am more meaningful in my actions and words. I am aware that I still doubt my abilities. I am aware that I am imperfectly perfect. This is my journey and it will always be filled with learning and growth. On my journey I am blessed with wonderful teachers and guides from this physical life and beyond. They all are there exactly when I need them and always provide messages for me exactly when they need to be heard. Sometimes it isn't until I reflect on all the changes I have been through that I realize how far I have come, how far I have to go, and how it is perfect right where I am. I realize I don't need to be so hard on myself and that I am my most harsh critic but sometimes this is what drives me to learn more and be my best in what I am.
Hope-
It is with frustration that this is written but in hope that things do change. I know what I want and I get frustrated that I don't have it yet. I know how I want things done and I get frustrated when they are not done that way. I know how animals should be treated and I get beyond frustrated when I know they are treated poorly. It is in hope that I find peace that those people are on their own journey and they will experience what they are supposed to. I am not to judge them but find compassion for them. I hope they will one day be enlightened to their actions and want to make a change. Just as the horses are here to support me and teach me, there are plenty of animals world wide that are teaching us every day and just waiting for someone to have their own 'ah-ha' moment when they finally hear the message. Overcoming my negative thoughts will allow me to leap over those hurdles I am faced with. I will have a renewed sense of hope when I believe in my individual capabilities. I do not need to worry about anyone else's journey or what they think of mine. I only need to be on my journey. Any energy I give to someone else's journey just takes away that needed energy to support my journey.
I deserve all that energy to be focused on the compassion, love, and growth in my journey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)