I can feel it creeping up. I can't seem stop it. Control. I want everything to be just so and how I want it. The truth is that there really is no control. It is all false. It is something our ego creates to make us feel safe, to have a purpose, and that we are 'under control'. More like under a spell. The spell of control makes us think we are under control and that we have things under control. How silly is this? I waste time trying to control how the day will work out by planning it all out. Then something happens and that schedule no longer works. I scramble to get the schedule figured out again only to get stressed that nothing is going according to plan. What if we just rolled with the flow and threw control out the proverbial window?
Well I am throwing control out the window. Yes, sometimes it still manages to hold on by it's sticky little finger. I actually have physical pain in my body from trying so hard to control everything. No, I am not a control freak but I think I used to be. I think I more internalized the control and drove myself nuts. I actually don't want to be in control. I want something Higher than me to take control and let me just ride the wave.
A few things happened this week to really help me get the feeling of losing that control and how it feels good to lose control. I lost an important keepsake. I was worried and upset about it's loss. I tried everything I could to find it but to no avail. There was an element of control about wanting it back. It was mine, I payed for it, it was made specially for me, and I think it is pretty and I want it back. When I was able to truly let go trying to find it and acknowledge that it is still energetically connected to me and it is serving a greater purpose somewhere else, I was reunited with it. I was elated. I can't begin do describe the feelings that came when it came back. I feel like I had found a long lost and very much cherished friend. Letting go was pivotal for it to come back into my physical life.
I take part in a meditation class hosted by Asia Voight. I have a history of struggling to meditate. My conscious mind wants to take control of everything and fill my head with constant endless thoughts that have nothing to do with the meditation at hand and I can't seem to get my brain to quiet and stop controlling the conversation. Sigh...... In the past, when I meditate I have gotten severe headaches, dizziness, and then frustration that I can't control my brain enough to shut it up for 5 minutes. It is a work in progress, let me tell you. This was the fourth class with Asia and she has different speakers each week that have their own tips and insights into meditation. Week one was the hardest but each following week it has gotten easier and easier. Last night was a break through night! Vincent Genna is gifted and led a beautiful meditation in which I was able to stay nearly 100% on track with the meditation. My mind didn't do any wandering and I didn't experience any headaches or dizziness. It was such a relief and release. I was so appreciative of the chance to really let go of control, trust the meditation, and just follow. It was divine.
One last occurrence that I will share to further help you see my dilemma with control and throwing it out the window. As a trimmer I work a lot with my hands, wrists, and arms. They bear the brunt of almost everything. I have to hold onto moving horses, nip through rock hard hooves, hold slippery wet hooves, you name it I do it. The times when horses are moving around and pulling their hooves away is when I feel my wrists start to become painful. It feels like inflammation and repetitive use trauma. I grip to hold onto the hoof when the horse starts moving. It is almost a subconscious action to try to control the horse by gripping harder on the hoof or leg. Which is ridiculous, I might add. In no way am I, a 125 pound strong woman, going to control a 1,000 pound massive horse with my hand on his hoof. Just not going to happen. I had this little moment of 'ah-ha' yesterday when a horse starting dinking around while I was trimming. I went to grip the hoof to hang on to control him (silly, I know), I felt the pain creep into my hand. This time I stopped. I put the hoof down and stretched my wrist and realized what I was doing. I was trying to CONTROL the situation. I allowed my hand to relax and release it from having to control this horse. I allowed soft energy to travel all the way through my arm, into my wrist, fill my hand and go out my fingers. This gave the so-called control somewhere to go and let it know that control was no longer going to work here. My wrist immediately stopped hurting. There was no aching afterwards and no continued pain on the drive home. It was sooo cool and such a relief.
These are wonderful examples for me to remember when I think about how control tries to control my life. They are a testament to throwing control out that proverbial window and coming back to my being so that I may live a fuller life with out the constraints of control. It is a freeing experience. It is one that I continue to keep working with and prying that sticky little finger off the window once and for all.
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