Crying My Heart Out- Day 20

Have you ever shook a bottle of pop with the lid on? And I mean really shook it so that you can feel the pressure push out on the bottle. Then....open the lid? That is what it felt like for me. The lid finally blew off. I spewed tears all over me, the horses, my shirt, my jacket. I cried my heart for as long as I felt I needed to. I sobbed through all the pain, frustration, feelings of lacking, anger, sadness, and loneliness. I was with the horses when I really let go and let it all out there. I talked it out with them. I let them know everything that I was feeling as it came up. I asked why, I asked for help, I wondered about my life journey. I told them I am done. I am done. I am done trying to be perfect. I am done trying to control. I am done feeling like I am all alone. I am done doing it all by myself. I am done feeling like I am not good enough. I am done, done and done.

I knew in those moments of streaming tears and snotty nose that there was nothing I could do, nothing I needed to change. I was actually happy to just release everything I was feeling...finally. I hold so much in to build that facade that I am under control. I am not under control. I am an emotional being that has ups and downs. Those are normal and should be experienced. I hate the feeling that I may be reeling out of emotional control. Society has shaped us to be unfeeling automatons. We automatically stuff our deepest fears, ignore them, squelch our need to express our emotions all because society can't handle it and require us to maintain composure. All for what? So that we can suffer silently in our pain, fear, anger, frustration. That is just not what I want.

I can't control anything any more than you can. We can make choices but those choices are given to us by God (thanks Mom). I am giving up my false control to Him. I want to let Spirit guide me and I want to trust myself to make the 'right', whatever 'right' that may be, decisions in each moment.  I want to express my Authentic Self's desires and not succumb to the False Self. False Self is that fear we are not good enough, the doubt that we know enough, the anger that we express, the frustration that we feel. False Self says "who are you to be better, that you know enough to make a difference in the world" It wants to crush us and keep us on a leash. And it will if we let it. Well, I am done. I have cried. I am released and I have realized who I really am.

I am Authentic. I am exactly where I should be in my life. I am 26 years old and feel light years ahead. I don't know how I intuitively know things or how I see images that I do but I do. I don't know exactly how I will impact this world. I do know I am here for the horse. I do know that I am paving a unique path in they way hooves are considered.  I have an incredible amount of learned knowledge and that much more intuitive knowledge. I change lives. I am making a difference in the world. I am helping horses live happier and healthier. I am helping people learn about their journey and how in dynamically changing our relationships with horses we can access our Higher Self. I understand we are all on our own journey. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes and I will judge. I can only forgive myself and find compassion for those mistakes and judgements. I have a voice that can be heard. I know that I will connect with the people and animals in my life as I am supposed to. I am contributing to other people's journey as they are contributing to mine even in unexpected ways.

I am done 'just trimming'. That no longer feels good to me. I won't just come trim your horse without realizing that each horse has individual needs and they deserve to have those needs to be understood and met. I want each trim to be a timeless connection for that horse. Each horse will receive the very best of me. It is about quality and not quantity. I am listening and I want you to know you will be heard. I don't trim for the sake of the job. I trim for the horse. To make his/her life a little more comfortable and joyful. I trim so that they can connect better to the Earth. I trim so that they may have a 'Sole to Soul Connection' with me and other beings. I provide a trim so that they may grow a healthy, supportive, and balanced hoof. For me, the hoof is the doorway to new worlds and new beginnings. They each tell a story. That story is one of time, hope, love, trust, acceptance, and understanding.

These are rapidly changing times. I am here. Where ever that 'here' may be. This is me pouring my heart out so that my voice is heard. Going forward I want to give myself permission to cry my heart out whenever I need to so that I can release and move to a place of better clarity and love.