Persevering the bend in the road

It has been a year of so much change for me and the horses. We welcomed home Luna in February. We said goodbye to Lady in March and now we are facing some very serious neurological problems with Jack.

Jack has temporohyoid osteoarthopothy. Basically, it is it is a degenerative disease that is marked by bony proliferation of the stylohyoid bone and it can wreak havoc on the body. In his case it is causing inflammation on the vestibular nerve. It is causing him to have trouble coordinating his hind legs and is circling a lot of the time. We have been treating him for three weeks now and he isn't improving, in fact he is worse. Treatment can take several months for this disease but I was hopeful that we would be treading towards improvement. So we are questioning whether he has another problem. We will be running further testing to see if we can add any more pieces of information to help us move forward with a treatment plan that will help him.

In the meantime, it is heart breaking to watch him struggle with his coordination and get lost in circles. He has gone through so many emotions; anger, frustration, despondency, to depression. I feel like I have gone through them at my own stages as well. I usually can relate to so many things in life and this isn't one of them. I don't know how to help him see through it. I don't know how to help him be ok with what is happening and I can't tell him that he is going to get better. We just don't know.

What I can do is send him so much love and hold space for him to move through this. He has been my rock and my buddy for 16 years. I hold onto that. We have shared so much in this life and there is more in store for us.  And I would feel remiss in saying that he was purely here for me. I feel he needed me as much as I needed him. Together we have crossed so many hurdles and grown so much as individuals.

I am not ready for my buddy to be gone. I am also not ok with him living in this uncoordinated place forever. He wants to be able to run with the girls and have his adventuresome life with me back. If treating him doesn't bring him to a place for him to do that, then I will let his adventures begin again on the other side.

I like answers and I like to move forward. This situation is a forced reality check and slow down for me. I have no answers and it is moment to moment. I can't plan for tomorrow because I don't know what that will bring for Jack. I can't worry about treatment being successful or failing, whether I need to buy more hay or prepare to let him go.

I can spend heartfelt time with him. I can enjoy the sun with him. I can love and nurture him like I always have. And to keep from being too serious, we can chuckle at things we find humorous.

Jack isn't defined by his body. He is a full bodied, robust soul. He is charismatic, passionate, devoted, and one of the best partners. He is brave and gentle. He is kind and caring. None of those things are defined by his body and yet it is his body that allows him to express all those things in this life. And I won't let his body define who he is.

I feel I am learning about the things in life I have the hardest time with. Taking it moment by moment. Being impeccable with my word. Not letting anxiety override me. I can best support him by being present, being clear, and staying grounded.

I wondered early on when he was initially showing neurological signs "seriously, again?" How could I possibly be going through something that is emotionally, physically, and mentally taxing like this again so soon? I certainly don't want the drama. And I certainly don't like to see my animals have difficulty with their faculties. My deepest hope is that I will come out stronger, love deeper, and have a deeper connection to my life on Earth. There is a greater story here than I could ever imagine there to be. Patience and presence will see me through.

I trust I can still revel in my life despite the potholes in the path. These are not roadblocks but building blocks in my life. I choose this life, the one with twists and turns. The bend in the road will eventually straighten and each bend I successfully navigate prepares me for the next one. I've got this, all passengers buckle up.

Jack is a warrior and has a fighting spirit. We are in this together and with all the love and support from those near and far. We will navigate this unpredictable road with grace and heart like we have never known.

 

My Love(s)

A little more than 6 months has passed since Lady left. I think about her every day. Some days I forget. I feel a little sad I forgot to think about her but then, somehow, it is ok. I usually think of her when that song comes on the radio. I pause. This is when I look out the truck window, stop singing so Shawn doesn't see the tears fill my eyes or hear my voice crack.

There are small glimmers of her still here. They always make me pause. Just the other night I was calling all the horses by name to come up for dinner. Lady, Jack, Zoe, Diva, Luna!  Oops, I laughed with Shawn a moment and said that Lady can come for dinner anytime. I swear I saw her gallop up the hill with the herd.

Then there are times I pull into the barn and start to fret because I am missing a horse and can't see Lady. Just like that I am pulled back and reminded I won't see her out here like I used to. So I just imagine her standing there because otherwise the piece that is missing in my heart just wants to swallow me up.

Other times I am just reminiscing about the adventures we had, the laughter we share, the things we learned. Shawn just listens, he has no idea what to say. Guys can be like that. But that is ok, I don't think there is anything I need him to say. I just want to share my story with Lady with someone who cares and knows how much we were apart of each other's lives.

I have a necklace made with love from her tail hair and a few charms that are important to me. Most days I love just having a beautiful piece of jewelry that has meaning but other days I don't feel I can face the day without a piece of her.

Times like tonight I just miss her. I am flooded with all the joyful memories and the emptiness of her not being here. The only thing that seems to help is to let the tears flow and share.

Coming up to my birthday (and quite often) I saw the numbers 914 everywhere. It was a painful reminder of her. She is gone and why on earth would this number have to be a daily reminder of that. I would love to see her again, smell her sweet horse smell, bury my face in her mane, take a walk with her, or just sit with her. I had her cremated and she weighted 914 pounds. My birthday is 9/14. I keep looking at the clock it seems like is always 9:14. It is a constant reminder to stay present and know that I am loved and supported. On my birthday I heard the sandhill cranes, much like I did the day she died. It was a bittersweet day for me. The first birthday since I was 13 to go by without her. I always would take a little treat to the barn and celebrate with her. I didn't know how to do that this year.

Before she left I was convinced I would grieve for a long time. I didn't know how I would move on without her. Eighteen years is a long time, especially throughout my teenage and early adult years. Her leaving was a pivotal moment for me. I was so relieved. I didn't want to worry about her anymore and I was so glad that was over. I miss her like crazy but in no way do I want to have that worry back.  No one really talks about this aspect of loosing a loved one. I felt this deep loss and a hole that can't be filled with her again in any tangible way. And at the same time, I am so ready for the next chapter.

The next chapter had a prologue. I still don't know how it was all orchestrated but a wily pony is definitely at the heart of it.

Back in August of 2013 Stella came into my life. She was a vibrant, joyful little girl. She was smart and sassy and drove everyone a little bananas. She bonded very much with Lady. She was almost always glued to her hip. I knew that she was important to our herd and Lady needed her for when she passed. I never dreamed that Stella would die 8 months later at 3 years old. All the horses (and I) were a little shaken after she died. It was sudden and none of us were prepared. I cried so hard and what seemed like forever. Every day I cried with Lady.  Eventually, it got easier as life kept moving on.

Then in February 2016 I see a photo add for a pony at an auction house for horses at risk of going to slaughter. It was the most adorable pony and immediately I thought of Stella. The photo didn't look like her but there was this draw of Stella. Of course I contacted, my trusty source, and we talked through the possibilities of this pony being Stella. Either way I had to make a decision to save this pony's life or not quickly. I fretted for about 2 days. But this amazing community of horse people stepped up and offered to help me get her home. So on Valentine's Day I met my new pony in New Jersey to bring her home. I knew my sneaky little Stella had her waved her magic wand and pulled this together.

During all this I knew that my time with Lady was growing short. I knew she wouldn't be here much longer and again, this pony was going to be a part of this. Lady and Luna never really got to know each other but they did meet. It was about the time that we were getting ready to integrate Luna into the herd that we decided that it was time to say goodbye to Lady.

Three years later, Stella certainly helped with Lady's passing but I had no idea she was going to do it by waiting on the other side for her and giving me the gift of sharing life with Luna. Stella was always crafty like that, doing the unexpected but somehow it was always just what was needed.

Today I miss Lady as if she just left. The hole in my heart stills feels raw but healed in other ways. These polar opposites you feel when you loose someone is hard to describe. Relieved, thankful, peaceful, sad, grief, anger, whole, broken. I cry with the herd and remember her with them. I think we need that from time to time: to remember her. Her light, her love, her devotion.

And there is Luna, who looks at me (through to my soul) just like Lady did. She reminds me that we all have a story and there is always love there to hold us up.

I will see you on the other side

She had taken another downhill turn. When your body has as much tension and arthritis as her does sometimes things get a bit ugly. I loved her and supported her the best I knew how. It was clear she was really struggling to keep her legs all coordinated and moving in one direction.

I can't even begin to summarize 18 years together. She shaped my life and I hers. We shared so much joy, enlightenment, adventure, and the deepest of unconditional loves I have ever known. I am forever a different person because she was in my life. She saw me through the awkward parts of growing up, self exploration, growth, young adult woes, love and loss, and forging my life with a husband and all that comes with having a family (fur family that is).

We have shared a most amazing journey together. We found the quiet moments to just lay back and enjoy the sunshine. We rode through the rain. We soared over obstacles that I challenged her with. We splashed in the streams. We shared our love with our friends and family. We showed and kicked back on the trails. We raced and she was a little power house and would beat anyone off the line. We inhaled so much dirt from the hours and hours of grooming we logged.

One time in particular was an all day event as she had rolled in so much mud that you could no longer see the beautiful colors of her coat. It was too cold to give her a bath and so we took it piece by piece with lots of breaks to get caked mud off. I have never seen her so covered. I smile at the memory of this day.

I smile and am comforted by all the memories we made. No one gives you a handbook at the beginning to tell you how the next chapter would look. It isn't the end of the book just a new chapter. The story continues but it has taken a climatic turn.

It was beautiful and heartbreaking to know it is time. I feel like I have grieved a thousand times before, thinking this day was coming sooner than it was to be.  I think it is part of what has made it easier for us. It is surreal. She is no longer in her body but I can feel her still just the same. At moments it feels like it never happened and I will round the bend at the farm and see her perk her ears and look my way.

She was incredible and there aren't words to fully describe the being she was. Selfless. Loving. Brave. Warrior. Survivor. Kind. Soulful. Deep. Old soul. Trusting. My best friend.

So many emotions come up when your soul mate is loosing the battle with gravity and the toll it takes on a body. Death is part of life. I know she isn't here in the physical sense but I know she is still here and that brings me so much peace.

The grieving process is unique unto itself. Sadness, denial, anger, pain, relief, acceptance, and love. It is all of these all at once and by themselves. It is very healing time and a place of total surrender.

I don't know what life looks like without her yet. It is one step at a time. She is survived by her herd members. Together we are experiencing such a deep loss and comforted at Lady's continued presence. We are finding new ways of moving through our day, together. I have never been so thankful and moved to tears at seeing my horses after her transition.

I talk to her every day and it is only day 2 since her transition. I will talk to her every day. And it isn't even talking, it is just a connection with her. That was something special too. We understand each other on a level that is indescribable. She brings me so much support and peace with her unconditional love.

   

It's time

It's time. Now. It has come.
I feel it in my gut. Something shifted.
Her next forever is waiting on the other side of the veil.
I get to see her to her new path in eternity. A birth. A new beginning.
For both of us.
It hurts.
It burns.
I love her, my soul mate, my best friend. So deeply.
I grieve. I have been. That gift to immerse into the river of all souls.
The floods take me to places where control isn't possible. Only surrender.
It's messy. It's deep.
It's incredibly sacred.

Tides

Hello Ladies!

I am excited about a new green venture and wanted to share some of what I have learned. I am going to get personal and super honest with you about being a woman and the joy that comes with that.

Most of you know that I enjoy a holistic and healthy lifestyle. I eat well and limit processed foods. I make earth friendly choices when I can. I do this for my pets as well. All of these choices makes me feel good in my skin and as a human being on this planet.
And like most of you we have our monthly flows. Which got me thinking- I dislike all the product waste that comes with the tides. I don't wear tampons as they cause me to have severe cramping, discomfort, and headaches. I have been slave to pads for the last 7 years-yuk! But at least I don't have all the side affects from tampons.

I read a lot. I like to learn about choices I can make that make me feel good. I had read an article awhile back about menstrual cups but didn't do much about it. Then about a month ago I just got fed up with pads. I started the research. I read about the different options and peoples experiences. I read the pros and cons. I looked at comparison charts of all the cups. I decided that I would buy two different styles and experiment the next time the tides came. 

So as a novice cup user, I wanted to share my experience. This is the first flow I have experimented with but the results are in, and I am pleased.




It is so liberating! No pads in two days. No cramming pads into my purse or worrying if my stash in the truck was gone. No urgency to get to the bathroom to get new one every 2 hours. No leaks! And the real test for me was to be able to ride my horse and feel confident that the flow would be contained and not end up with an unpleasant mess. Success! Went for a ride and it was amazing!

A few tidbits about the cups-

• They are typically made of medical grade silicone.  So no worries about infections or allergic reactions, or Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS)
• They come in a variety of sizes. Mostly determined if you have given birth.
• When they are the right fit for your body, you won't know it is there.

What I have learned in the short time I have used them-

• Cut your fingernails
• Use some lubrication (if needed) to make the application a bit easier
• The right cup makes ALL the difference
• I feel free from my period woes

No one wants to talk about this gross (perceived) aspects of being a woman. I think it is ridiculous and want people to feel comfortable to talk about their flows. We get chastised for being moody or on the rag (mostly unavailable for sex) at this time of the month. No wonder we don't want to talk about it. And goodness the cramping, the headaches, the back aches, the leg weakness, breast tenderness, the slavery to the tampons and pads and the rest of the list certainly makes this topic not very popular.

Let me tell you, this one change has made all the difference! Not that I don't get the cramps, or back aches but the fact that I don't have to change pads every 2 hours or feel the squishy damp between my legs for a week is well worth it.

It is simple. The first few insertions were a bit um....precarious. But then you get the hang of it and it is SO EASY. You know it is there initially but then you just forget about it. You will have to get friendly with your vagina. Own it! It is yours and that is beautiful.

The cups are anywhere from $25-$60. And I know that sounds like quite the investment but after a few periods it will offset the cost of tampons and/or pads and then you will be saving money! They are a bit bigger than a tampon but fold up for insertion to about the size of a tampon. They hold about 1-2 ounces of fluid. If cared for properly they will last several years if not longer.

I got two that were middle of the road. I went with the Lily Cup because I liked the ergonomic design to curve with my feminine features. I also chose the Sckoon cup because it is smaller, bell shaped and frankly I liked the name and they had my favorite color.

I have discovered that the Sckoon cup really works well for me. I like that I feel the Sckoon Cup less. I feel that the shape and all the rounded edges makes for a seamless fit, for me. I will say initially, because it is smaller, it was a bit of a fishing expedition for me to pull it back out. Now that I have done it a few times it is much easier.

The Lily Cup has a different silky texture to the silicone but I didn't feel this affected me much. The shape was actually not quite right for me. I didn't know if it was turned the correct way or not once it was in. It is also a bit longer than the Sckoon cup so I felt like if I sneezed wrong or took a poop it would come out. I didn't particularly care for that feeling.

I was greatly surprised to find that I only had to empty the cup twice during the day and even then it was only half full. I thought I had heavy flows but it turns out that I am actually rather 'normal', whatever that means. I had also experienced some negative side affects from tampons and I am happy to report that I am not having any of those issues with the cup.

My last favorite part is that I can cut back on waste and not feel like I am plastering pads with toxic chemicals or fragrances next to my very sensitive female parts.

I feel freer and more independent during my period than I ever have. I encourage every woman I know to look into this. Do some research of your own to determine which cup might be right for you. It has been worth the investment and I am excited about getting my period and knowing that I am safe from unsightly leaks, creating less waste, and comfortable in my body.

Here are a couple sites I looked at to help me learn about them and make my choices:

http://www.labyrinth.net.au/~obsidian/clothpads/index.html

http://menstrualcupreviews.net/

http://dirtydiaperlaundry.com/menstrual-cups-what-every-woman-should-know/

Easy peasy

Anything to make my life easier is a plus in my book! I love cooking and experimenting but with all this new to me info it is daunting. I suppose it doesn't have to be daunting so I am going to come up with ways to make it exciting. Dancing and singing while cooking will ensue (honestly, this already happens!!)

Shawn and I sat down and created a menu for the week. We will shop for everything one time (hopefully saving us time and resources in less trips to the store). We will plan ahead and now that we both know what is on the menu and where the recipe is at, and everything we need is in the house, either of us can get dinner started at a decent hour. Then we can have leftovers for lunches!

I need to make this change as easy as possible for me. Less stress and feeling good is always the goal. So I am considering investing in a new kitchen tool. Who doesn't love new kitchen gadgets? I know I love them. The Vitamix Blender is looking to become a resident in my kitchen. I am hoping this makes food prep, smoothies, and everything else it can do a breeze. The company has been wonderful to talk with and they have provided me with so much information about their product and how useful I will find it in my everyday preparations.

If it were easy everyone would do it!

Today didn't start off so well. Gluten free, egg free, dairy free pancakes were an epic failure! Shawn had to scrape me and my tears off the table. He said it would be alright and that I will learn so many more new things from this one failure. I am convinced he has no idea how brilliant he can be. Thank goodness I have this man in my life.

I should share with you what I foods I have to avoid for now (maybe forever). The gluten and egg thing is forever. Actually in just a little over a week of not eating gluten, a limited amount anyways, I have lost 7lbs and have more energy. I still hurt every day and I still have digestive upsets and a myriad of other symptoms but I know they will all fade away as I keep up with good eating habits.

Ok so for the list of what I can't have-

Almond Banana Barley Basil Bay leaf Blackberry Broccoli Cheese Cherry Chocolate Coffee Cranberry Cumin Egg Ginger Kamut Lemon Lettuce Cow Milk Nutmeg Paprika Pepper B/W Peppermint Rabbit Radish Rye Sesame Spelt Thyme Tomato Vanilla Black Walnut Wheat Yeast bakers Yeast brewers

 

But the list of what I can have is HUGE!! The options are limitless!

I know this doesn't seem like a big deal. There really are plenty of other things for me to eat. I have made some great healthy changes to my diet like substituting almond milk for dairy, whole grain breads, fresh produce. Then I find out that I shouldn't have almonds, several grains contain gluten, and I love basil on almost anything. So it feels awful that now I can't have those things and everything must change again.   But a quick history of my eating habits will help you understand how far I have come.

Growing up I was a plain jane. It was a cheeseburger plain, hotdog plain, tacos with just meat and cheese. I was the classical meat and potatoes meal kinda gal. I ate plenty of sugary foods, and processed foods. In 2008 I moved in with Shawn, started recognizing how awful I felt and knew that I needed to change up my eating habits. That is when I first started seeing my acupuncturist. I cut out dairy, soy, egg, wheat, processed sugar for quite some time. I felt better but eventually I felt back into the habit of eating those foods. But in the last 6 years I have massively expanded my pallet. I enjoy plenty of flavors now and couldn't dream of going back to plain jane but I still love a plain hotdog! 

However, there are so many foods that I haven't experienced prepared in a way that was satisfying to me or that I have just never tried. The idea of wasting food that is so expensive is just gut wrenching for me. It isn't about the money but the waste. So I see my psychotherapist to help me with how I feel about food, waste, and nourishment. 

As my infinitely wise husband said just this morning "if it were easy everyone would do it". This is by far one of the most life changing and expansive things I have done. And it is scary as hell but my desire to feel juicy, nourished, and sexy as ever is worth way more than quitting or going back to the way I have felt for too long.