There are small glimmers of her still here. They always make me pause. Just the other night I was calling all the horses by name to come up for dinner. Lady, Jack, Zoe, Diva, Luna! Oops, I laughed with Shawn a moment and said that Lady can come for dinner anytime. I swear I saw her gallop up the hill with the herd.
Then there are times I pull into the barn and start to fret because I am missing a horse and can't see Lady. Just like that I am pulled back and reminded I won't see her out here like I used to. So I just imagine her standing there because otherwise the piece that is missing in my heart just wants to swallow me up.
Other times I am just reminiscing about the adventures we had, the laughter we share, the things we learned. Shawn just listens, he has no idea what to say. Guys can be like that. But that is ok, I don't think there is anything I need him to say. I just want to share my story with Lady with someone who cares and knows how much we were apart of each other's lives.
I have a necklace made with love from her tail hair and a few charms that are important to me. Most days I love just having a beautiful piece of jewelry that has meaning but other days I don't feel I can face the day without a piece of her.
Times like tonight I just miss her. I am flooded with all the joyful memories and the emptiness of her not being here. The only thing that seems to help is to let the tears flow and share.
Coming up to my birthday (and quite often) I saw the numbers 914 everywhere. It was a painful reminder of her. She is gone and why on earth would this number have to be a daily reminder of that. I would love to see her again, smell her sweet horse smell, bury my face in her mane, take a walk with her, or just sit with her. I had her cremated and she weighted 914 pounds. My birthday is 9/14. I keep looking at the clock it seems like is always 9:14. It is a constant reminder to stay present and know that I am loved and supported. On my birthday I heard the sandhill cranes, much like I did the day she died. It was a bittersweet day for me. The first birthday since I was 13 to go by without her. I always would take a little treat to the barn and celebrate with her. I didn't know how to do that this year.
Before she left I was convinced I would grieve for a long time. I didn't know how I would move on without her. Eighteen years is a long time, especially throughout my teenage and early adult years. Her leaving was a pivotal moment for me. I was so relieved. I didn't want to worry about her anymore and I was so glad that was over. I miss her like crazy but in no way do I want to have that worry back. No one really talks about this aspect of loosing a loved one. I felt this deep loss and a hole that can't be filled with her again in any tangible way. And at the same time, I am so ready for the next chapter.
The next chapter had a prologue. I still don't know how it was all orchestrated but a wily pony is definitely at the heart of it.
Back in August of 2013 Stella came into my life. She was a vibrant, joyful little girl. She was smart and sassy and drove everyone a little bananas. She bonded very much with Lady. She was almost always glued to her hip. I knew that she was important to our herd and Lady needed her for when she passed. I never dreamed that Stella would die 8 months later at 3 years old. All the horses (and I) were a little shaken after she died. It was sudden and none of us were prepared. I cried so hard and what seemed like forever. Every day I cried with Lady. Eventually, it got easier as life kept moving on.
Then in February 2016 I see a photo add for a pony at an auction house for horses at risk of going to slaughter. It was the most adorable pony and immediately I thought of Stella. The photo didn't look like her but there was this draw of Stella. Of course I contacted, my trusty source, and we talked through the possibilities of this pony being Stella. Either way I had to make a decision to save this pony's life or not quickly. I fretted for about 2 days. But this amazing community of horse people stepped up and offered to help me get her home. So on Valentine's Day I met my new pony in New Jersey to bring her home. I knew my sneaky little Stella had her waved her magic wand and pulled this together.
During all this I knew that my time with Lady was growing short. I knew she wouldn't be here much longer and again, this pony was going to be a part of this. Lady and Luna never really got to know each other but they did meet. It was about the time that we were getting ready to integrate Luna into the herd that we decided that it was time to say goodbye to Lady.
Three years later, Stella certainly helped with Lady's passing but I had no idea she was going to do it by waiting on the other side for her and giving me the gift of sharing life with Luna. Stella was always crafty like that, doing the unexpected but somehow it was always just what was needed.
Today I miss Lady as if she just left. The hole in my heart stills feels raw but healed in other ways. These polar opposites you feel when you loose someone is hard to describe. Relieved, thankful, peaceful, sad, grief, anger, whole, broken. I cry with the herd and remember her with them. I think we need that from time to time: to remember her. Her light, her love, her devotion.
And there is Luna, who looks at me (through to my soul) just like Lady did. She reminds me that we all have a story and there is always love there to hold us up.
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