I am a fixer. I enjoy problem solving and sifting through the endless possibilities of solutions to a problem. I enjoy helping people and animals feel better mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I really enjoy the process. I enjoy researching, reading, taking classes from fine tuning my psychic abilities to equine anatomy and everything in between. The more I learn the more I can share.
As a fixer I feel there is an undercurrent of control. That somehow in fixing a problem I am in control of the situation or myself. There really is nothing in the world that I can control other than me and my reactions to the world around me. Sure I can influence outcomes but I am not controlling them. But my default is still to fix.
What is even more challenging for a fixer is to be presented with a situation that feels like it is falling apart and there is nothing, nothing you can do to fix it. You feel like you are falling apart and the world may collapse around you at any moment.
Can we or do we ever fix anything? Are things going to play out just as they were intended to regardless of our input?
The last few years with Lady have been some of the most challenging and beautiful. Her body is aging and breaking down. I sense that in the all the time we have had our time is drawing to a close. We are at the end stages of our journey together.
A couple days ago I had to trim her. She was a little overdue since I was unable to trim her when she was at the worst stages of dealing with EPM(Equine Protozoa Myeloencephalytis). These protozoa attached to her spinal cord and wreck havoc on her nervous system. The inflammation and surrounding tissue death cause lack of coordination, muscle atrophy, and weakness. It is treatable but it is a long journey to recovery.
Her trim was anything but easy. She has been more difficult to do in recent years due to her advancing arthritis but this EPM has taken a toll on her body. Though we have been treating her she still lacks the proper proprioception to stand balanced on three legs while I trim. On top of this, her hind feet had shifted a bit negatively due to her strange loading pattern and the wet weather. I am crushed. I am afraid to trim her because I don't trust her body to not hurt me. She would never intentionally hurt me but without being able to control her body well, it is dangerous to trim her. I am afraid to trim her because I don't want to hurt her. My best friend and sole mate's body is decaying and I know that our time together is coming to a close. I start sobbing as I finish up her trim. I am so in love with this horse and I have done and will do anything for her and this is something I can't fix.
With life comes death and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I don't want to but I am not ready to lose her just yet and thankfully she isn't ready to go yet. My brain rolls over the myriad of ways I can help support her and keep her comfortable till that inevitable day comes. I run through the thousand questions of why and how.
I have been emotional about this for the last two days and cry at just the thought of her body struggling and her leaving. It feels like I am mourning her loss but she is still here. It is a strange feeling. I wonder why bodies have to experience pain and breakdown. Can't we just age and die in peace, free from pain. I do wonder how I can fix this too but alas it can't be fixed.
I know that when the time comes for her to go that I will have gone through everything I needed to go through so that I can be fully present for her at the time of her transition. There will be no regrets, no coulda, shoulda, woulda's. And I also know that because of having her in my life I will be OK when she is gone. I am ok now but I have no idea how I will do this when she is gone. As my friend said "why give a child a binky when you know you will take away from her one day?" What is the point?
I think the point is that we came together to experience something that is so incredible and divine. There is no love in this world like ours. I would not be who I am today if she were not in my life. I think it is because we have been together I am stronger, braver, wiser, clearer than I have ever been. She has lived a life that horses dream of. She is a child's first horse, first love, first trail ride, first show, shoulder to cry on during heartbreak and joyful beginnings. She will mostly likely be the first horse to transition and she will be the source of strength to help me keep moving forward without her by my side in physical-ness.
The real beauty in this, is that she is never really gone. She will always be with me in spirit and by my side. I can always call on her no matter where we are in time.
In the meantime I am going to continue to wipe up my tears and blow my snotty nose and know that I can't fix this. This time I have to trust in the Grand Plan and that all is well in the world exactly the way it is and will continue to unfold.
I was going to finish with the last paragraph but I had a conversation with Lady that was very insightful and felt I should share this information too. As she is as much a part of this as I am.
"Lady, can you tell me about what you are experiencing? Can you help me understand this because I am really having a hard time?"
"This is supposed to happen. I am closer to the end than the beginning. I hurt but I don't suffer. I still need you to support me. The body is supposed to breakdown and die. It is during this process that I go inward and prepare for the transition and life after Earth. We here to experience all that life has to offer. In the youthful body it is all about going, doing, taking it all in. In my older body, it is about reflection, preparation, tuning in with my spirit for the transition."
It was such a relief to talk with her. She is a wise soul and always knows how to calm me. She is not going to die anytime soon and I will enjoy everything single moment that I share with her.
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