Being me

I know one thing in life and that is that change is inevitable. I haven't always enjoyed change and preferred things to stay consistent, there is a sort of feeling of control in consistency. The more I tried to keep from changing, the more I realized that is impossible. And that there really is no control. I can't control anything other than how I feel and the decisions I make. I can't control others actions or feelings. I can impact them with my choices but I can't control them.

One thing I can do is live as authentically as possible and share my truth with others. Sounds easy, right? Well, as I am finding out it can be one of the most challenging and rewarding things ever. For me to live authentically means that I am not part of the status quo, that I have a neutral understanding of many situations, that I may not be part of the 'in crowd', that I may feel a certain separateness from people and still feel more connected than ever. It means that I have a commitment to being me no matter how much it can feel uncomfortable because being me is way better than anything else.  Being me means that I get to share my story in my own unique way. Being me means that I can feel much of what is going on around me and currently not always knowing how to handle it.

I am on a journey of self discovery to become even more congruent in my life. When I am congruent I get to share more of my own authenticity and truth with others. That makes me a valuable part of this world. I don't always know how I am going to be of value to people to help them on their own journey. I do know that the more I follow my own light and truth the more I am able to be authentic and just doing that is how I will be able to help people.

That is why I am doing the Desire Map and the Fire Starter Sessions. I want to get in touch with my core desires and live my life in a way that feels good. It isn't about the goals I set but about how they feel and how the journey feels getting there.

A few nights ago I was trying to plan out the evening. Shawn was just getting home from a rescue call and I was just finishing up evening chores. It was -18 degrees and even colder wind chills. Our plans to keep dinner simple to just get pizza was not going well. Everything was closed due to the extreme cold. We finally figure we will just have to thaw something and it will be a late dinner. As that was decided Shawn was paged out yet again for a rescue call. I was on my own for dinner.

Instead of getting to making dinner, I found myself scattered around the house. I was snuggling with Nora, changing into comfy clothes, chopping some veggies for dinner, turning on the TV to watch The Bachelor, scratching on the dogs, chopping more veggies. I couldn't follow a single thing to completion and was all over the place. I actually find myself in this place more often than I realize. I also find that I like that sense of control and order too. But want is even more interesting is that both of these are different sides of the same coin.

For the first time, I realized that I actually feel free when I can bounce around and be scattered. The need to set structure and order can cause me to get anxious and overwhelmed. There are certainly times that I am structured and orderly as when I am working. I spend most of my day in a way that is organized and structured, from the way I scheduled my day to the trimming of each hoof. So when I get home the last thing I want is to have things structured. I really relish the ability to roll with the flow and bounce around as I feel like.

I want people to see me like I am organized, got it together, awesome, inspirational, etc. What I realized is that those are all external to me and it doesn't need to matter to me what other people think of me. I personally want to feel something different. And I don't have to compare myself to others. I need to be just exactly as I am because that is perfect and the world needs me to be just who I am to shine my own light. So being aware of these two opposing states and yet the same has granted me new clarity in my life. This clarity will allow me to find the path in either direction to feel connected, creative, nourished and inspired. I don't feel the need to have to make a path to great order or to carefree living. Instead I can do both as they each serve me. I can be free to chose which ever makes me feel good.

"In seeking our freedom, we liberate our potential to accomplish incredible things." Danielle LaPorte.